Cannonball Run

Bad, bad, bad.

A pale rip off of Gumball Rally, five years previously.

Plot: Burt Reynolds, his mate with the personality disorder (Don Deluise), Sammy Davis Jnr, Dean Martin, a very young Jackie Chan and a couple of chicks with big...un's go on a race across the country. That's it. There's actually no story. Watch Gumball instead. Although, it does have a deluded, jewish girdles magnate who's convinced he's Roger Moore and Farrah Fawcett

Budget: $?

Gross: $72,179,579

Fun Fact A cameo appearance from Peter Fonda sadly does nothing to enliven this film. There is a sequel, the second is the best, despite it's huge haul at the Golden Raspberry's for worst picture, etc.

Scanners

David Cronenberg, with another of his 80's contributions. This time you've got Michael Ironside (bad guy from Total Recall) being bad.

Plot: There's these folks called 'Scanners', they're able to control ya mind and make ya do stuff and things. A company called ConSec are trying to control em and capture the main bad guy-Ironside. To do this though, they need a scanner of their own- Stephen Lack, one that isn't evil to the bone and unlikely to blow their minds-actually. They set him off to fix their problem, only for him to investigate and realise that ConSec themselves are the guilty party.

Budget: $3,500,000

Gross: $14,225,876

Best Scene: The magnificent exploding head.

Fun Fact: Cronenberg was writing the script from 4-7am each morning, such were the time restraints on the production. There are 2 sequels and a couple of spin-offs, including repeated promises of a remake/TV show.

The Dunwich Horror

Yet another H.P. Lovecraft story makes it on the blog. This time you're more transfixed by Dean Stockwell's fuzzy eye slugs, than the storyline.

Plot: In the dated village of Dunwich, the family Whateley have lived and followed in the religion of the Necronomicon and it's teachings, much to the dismay of the local God fearing sort- who figured a good old burning would fix things. A few years on, the latest member of the Whateley clan-Dean Stockwell (Quantum Leap) visits a professor at Miskatonic University and has a butchers at his copy of the Necronomicon. Seems the old chap less than willing to allow the book out of his sight. So, Dean goes and seduces the librarian, nicks off with her to the family home, gets into a row with his grandad and does his darndest to raise the 'Old Ones' from their slumber- all the while his rather odd brother is locked away in the house and getting crankier all the time.

Fun Fact: The script is co-written by Curtis Hanson (Wonderboys, L.A Confidential), there's a small role for Talia Shire (Rocky's Mrs) and produced by Roger Corman, though it really does seem more Hammer Horror than anything else.

Revenge of the Nerds

The first of the Nerds series (they run to 4), Revenge of the Nerds is an opportunity to play spot the future star, or at least, spot-the-fella-from-that-movie, what's his name?

Plot: Nerds go to college, are harassed by the jocks and their coach (John Goodman) and are evicted from their dorms when the jocks accidentally burn down their Fraternity house. The Nerds (including Goose from Top Gun and a lad from Space Camp) are further persecuted by the 'elite' and seek retribution for their torments. They also go on a panty raid to a sorority house and subtly place cctv cameras in the ceilings above their beds and showers.

From what we gathered from this film, during the 1980's, film makers could get away with a lot, in this one, voyeurism and date rape seem to have been a funny concept. We don't advocate the second one.

Line of the film (and there are many!); "Step aside Momma, I wanna see some of that Muff!"


Budget: $8,000,000

Gross: $60,400,000

Fun Fact: A TV series failed in the early 90's and a remake has been given the boot. Look out for 'Ogre', the big fella with the jocks, he's in lots a stuff, Bloodsport in particular.

Youngblood

It's the 80's again folks, 1986 to be precise and WE NEED A MONTAGE, a sports montage-is there anything better?

Plot: A young lad-Youngblood (Rob Lowe) joins a junior league Ice Hockey team (like the Minor League in Baseball) in Canada, gets hazed by his teams mates (Patrick 'Legend' Swayze-RIP), shags his middle aged land lady, falls for the coach's daughter and gets into scuffles with a hairy guy on the ice.

Line of the film; "You look like shit!...but I love ya anyway"

Gross: $15,448,384

Fun Fact: Keanu Reeves plays an Italian goal keeper with a rotten accent.

Bad Taste

Never has Denim been so scary!

Plot: Aliens invade a small New Zealand town and it's up to 'The Boys' to stop em. Derek and his three mates have a butchers and find out these intergalactic reprobates are in fact looking for the next not-so-fast food craze-Human Flesh. Armed with Uzi's, Magnum's and a rocket launcher, these 1987 bad arses are here to save the day.

Look out for the automated seagull.

Line of the film: "I'm a Derek and Derek's don't quit!"

Budget: $255,000

Fun Fact: Peter Jackson is Derek and one of the aliens (the one with the rangy beard-obviously). The film even played at Cannes! I'm not kidding.

D.A.R.Y.L.

Data. Anaylsing. Robot. Youth. Lifeform...awesome!

So, the government made this kid, kinda like Pinocchio, but with a shorter nose. He has a "Dad" (his creator) who realizes (a tad slowly) that Daryl is going to be used for Eeeeevil! Like, he's going to be made to fly planes and bomb things and such, so he does what he can to get him away and to a family that can love a robot child, but the government find him and then he has to escape again, so he steals a Blackbird airplane (awesome!)...any way (take breath here), the government chase him, like Johnny 5 and he runs away and yada yada yada...happy ending.

I remember loving it, possibly due to my youthful naivety.  

Budget: $12,000,000

Gross: $7,840,873

Line of the film: "A child with a stick of chewing gum has just rendered your hundred million dollars of equipment useless".

Fun Fact: It's got the kid (Barret Oliver) from Neverending Story in it.

The Gumball Rally

Plot: It's a fairly simple tale- a group of folk, some of whom have had a dabble before, decide to enter the Gumball Rally. A race from New York, to California-no spoils except the recognition of their compatriots and the delight in driving (ha ha) the police and specifically-Roscoe (the obsessed detective chasing them) crazy.

I don't know what else to tell ya about this one. It was one of the movie memories of my childhood. I only recalled the exit from the garage in NY and the scene with the Ferrari Daytona and the AC Cobra racing through the LA Aquaducts-Awesome!

Fun fact: Gary Busey (Point Break) makes an early appearance, in a role as a crazy fella-much like the rest of his career and Raul Julia (RIP) is brilliant as an Italian, racing lothario.

A Boy and his Dog

Released in 1974, this film starring a very young Don Johnson really puts boy and dog friendship to the test.

Plot: It's not long after WW4, the third lasting around 33 years, the forth-5 days and the world is a desolate wasteland. Vic/Albert (Don Johnson) is the boy in question and he travels the dusty waste with his trusted mutt-Blood. Seems they have a sort of telepathic link, as such, the majority of the film sounds like internal narration between the two leads. Blood sniffs out ladies for Vic and Vic sniffs out food for Blood, it's a mutually beneficial relationship, until a girl pops up and lures Vic 'down below', where the weird/cult type folk live.

Anyway, the choice is simple-bone loads a lassies (not the dog sort) or hang with the mutt...

Never known a film distributed under so many different titles: Psycho Boy and His killer Dog, Mad Don and Apocalypse 2024.

Budget: $?
Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Don won a best actor award, which he had to share with James Caan, for his dramatic portrayal in Rollerball. Cough, cough.

Killer Clowns from Outer Space

With a 3D sequel in the works, lets take a look at the coulrophobic (that's scary clown stuff) 1988 film from the Chiodo Brothers.

Plot: When small town America (it's always them) is terrorized by intergalactic, malevolent clowns, it's up to local student, Mike Tobacco to rally his buddies and the local cop to save the day. Using an assortment of circus themed weaponry, the Jesters plan to cocoon the townsfolk and a dog named "Pooh" in candyfloss and return home with their sugary, protein rich cargo. Can Mike save the day and his bird- Debbie? You'll see.

Line of the film: (to be read in a 'hick'-American accent-just for fun) "What choo gonna do wiv dem pies, boiiiiiis?!"

Budget: $2,000,000

Gross: $dunno?

Fun Fact: The Chiodo Bros did the creature effects on Critters (also reviewed) and Stephen Chiodo oversaw the dollies on Team America.

review by Callum Stockdale

Drunken Master II (The Legend of Drunken Master)

Jackie Chan's 1994 sequel that proved to be arguably the greatest work of his career.

Plot: Chinese folk hero Wong Fei Hung (Mr Chan), stumbles upon a plot by the British consul to smuggle Chinese artefacts out of the country. With the help of his family and a few mates, Fei Hung must retrieve the national treasures, using his unique skills in Drunken Boxing- a style of martial arts that actually improves the more you get stinkin' wasted. These are the only fights you'll see where bystanders throwing wine at you will  enhance your chances of winning.

With no Health & Safety regulations in China, all stunts become no holds barred action. If all that ain't enough, Drunken Master II also boasts possibly the largest Turnip in movie history, ducks on a train (insert Sammy L reference here...) and guidelines on how to disguise Mahjong as Gynaecology.

Line of the film; "What move was that?"
                        "Angel Pisses".


Budget: $2,000,000

Gross: $311,000,000

Fun Fact: The actor that plays the main villain in the final scene is Ken Lo, Mr Chans' ex-bodyguard.

review by Callum Stockdale

The Toxic Avenger

Troma Entertainments, 1984 cult classic- Toxic Avenger, directed by Lloyd Kaufmann & Michael Herz.

Plot: In the town of Tromaville, Mervin the ne're do well mop boy of the local gym, is subjected to regular bullying from the 80's tough guys, Bozo & Slug (you know the type). When a prank involving a pink tutu and a sheep in a bra pushes him too far (as you'd imagine it might), Mervin jumps head first out of a window. Oh, did I mention Tromaville is the toxic chemical capital of the world? So much so that truck drivers transport the stuff in vats, minus the lids.

Exposure transforms Mervin into Sloth's (Goonies reference folks) fugly, badass brother. He wins over the townsfolk by graphically maiming ridiculously dressed gang members (complete with spinning newspaper montage), until he dry cleans a midget. He must now eveade and survive a National Guard assault and save his true love, a blind chick called Sarah.

Line of the film: "Alright everybody, drop your tacos and I'll blow ya brains out!"

Who'd drop their taco with a promise like that?!

Campy, gory b-movie/cult nonsense, set (as you'd hope) to a decidedly iffy 80's soundtrack, except the transition to 'A Night on Bare Mountain' whenever Merv has a scrap. Tremendous fun!

Budget: $500,000

Gross: $800,000

Fun Fact: Three sequels followed this success, a kiddy show and a musical.

review by Callum Stockdale

Bride of Re-Animator

Brian Yuzna, producer of the first film, turns director for this, the middle film in the H.P. Lovecraft themed series.

Plot: Dr Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs) and Dr Dan Cain (Bruce Abbott) have been serving the last 8 months as medics in a Peruvian War, whilst continuing their ill-fated research into reanimation of the dead. Upon returning to Massachusetts, West convinces Cain to continue their endeavours, with the promise of a lady Frankenstein with the heart of his deceased girlfriend, Meg-despite Cain's objections that she would come back "Uncontrollably Spastic". That and the fact that he's already getting it on with Miss Francesca Danelli (Fabiana Udenio).

West proceeds and even adds Iguana fluids to Mountain Dew in order to make walking eyeballs and dogs with hands, all whilst evading a zombie cop and a disembodied head with bat wings (how mental is that!?).

Line of the film: "Don't you ever do that again, you mental midget!"


Budget: $Unobtainable

Gross: $Equally illusive

Fun Fact: Fabiana Udenio will be best known as Alotta Fagina- Austin Powers; International Man of Mystery (Rocks the side-boob!).

review by Callum Stockdale

Night Breed

Clive Barker and Stephen King have a lot in common. Both write and direct...both should just write.

Plot: Fella has nightmares and his shrink (David Cronenberg) convinces him he's a serial killer (it's actually the shrink). In these nightmares he sees a city called Midian, a home for the freaks and mutants of the world to live and be happy...in their freakish ways. Anyway, the lad visits the gaff, dies, hangs out and then the hick-locals get upperty and go on a kill crazy rampage.

The creature effects certainly reflect Barker and his devilish mindset.

Budget: $11,000,000

Gross: $8,862,354

Fun Fact: Advertised as a slasher film, you can see why it failed and why Barker got upset, just look at the poster. Music by Danny I love Tim Burton Elfman.

The Lawnmower Man

This was THE film of 1992. Everybody was waiting for it and it's ground breaking special effects made it a huge success on the back of the then popular and now uninteresting Virtual Reality.

Plot: A scientific chap, Dr Angelo (Pierce Brosnan) works with Virtual Reality (as far as I can tell, the only real similarity to the original Stephen King short story is the use of 'the shop' as the ominous government agency-also used in Firestarter) and is endeavouring to increase mental capacity and use in the wearers. To that end, he decides to experiment on the mentally handicapped man who mows his lawn, Jobe (Jeff Fahey). No problem at first, everybody's havin' a laugh, then he starts to get smart, fast. He also starts wearing very tight jeans and showing his ass to a young, pervy lady.

So, Jobe gets too smart, the shop get wary and Dr Angelo tries to blow the place up.

It's great to see the VR again.

Budget: $10,000,000

Gross: $32,100,816

Fun Fact: The sequel- The Lawnmower Man 2-Beyond Cyberspace was released in 1996 and starred (Matt Frewer-Eureka) as Jobe. Comic writer Grant Morrison was originally asked to pen the sequel and a follow up too, but he didn't.

Bad Moon

Here we have something different in terms of were-wolf films. This one is effectively the story of how a German Shepherd dog saves the day. No silver bullets, no investigations, no secret agencies. Just a loyal pooch.

Plot: Fella's on a dig with his bird in the rain forest, when a were-wolf attacks and kills everyone, but leaves him scared and infected with the wolfy gene, or whatever. Great opening to the film, were-wolf in full glory from the off. So, he goes home to the US and stays with his big sister, her young son and his dog, Thor. Every night (as the full moon thing seems irrelevant) he chains himself to a big tree with handcuffs and hopes for the best. All the while, Thor suspects him of being a 'bad un'. Any who, were-wolf fights Thor, Thor kicks ass and mummy delivers the line all mothers should in these situations...

"Get the fuck off my son!"

Also folks, beware the were-pooch!

Budget: $7,000,000

Gross: $1,055,525

This film squeezes into the cult section for all the above reasons. It's got the quirk on the established were-wolf story, there's that line from mummy and for Thor (originally the name of the book the film's based on).

FireStarter

Here we go folks, another from the the Stephen King stable of cult.

Plot: Young girl (Drew Barrymore) and her daddy are on the run from government agents in the 1980's, the little girls mummy been killed by said suited fellas. Turns out our 'in the wind' pair have had a few experiments conducted upon them, daddy can make you do whatever he fancies (though he gets a bugger of a nose bleed each time) and wee Drew can turn ya into a smouldering pile of corpse with her heat/fire power, thing.

Well worth checking out for a very young Martin Sheen as the head of the covert agency (the shop) and Oscar winner George C. Scott as the demented army bloke. Also starring a young Heather Locklear.

Budget: $13,000,000

Gross: $17,080,167

Fun Fact: There's a sequel called, unsurprisingly, Firestarter 2-Rekindled.

H.P. Lovecraft's Necronomicon

Directed by and starring the two most obsessed H.P. film fans in Hollywood, Brian Yuzna (Bride of Re-Animator, Beyond Re-Animator) and Jeffrey Combs, Necronomicon is a weaving of inspiration and imagination.

Plot: Three stories intermingle as our star, H.P. (with very convincing chin enhancement) visits a monastery and reads from the fabled Necronomicon when he shouldn't a done. The forces of the book emerge bit by bit and a fictional career is born. The stories blend ghost, immortality and original evil, while making ample use of creature sfx.

Budget: $4,000,000

Fun Fact: The film won the best sfx award at Fantafestival in 1994.

Re-Animator

Re-Animator, it's all in the title. From a story by H.P.Lovecraft, this film revels in gore and humour.

Plot: Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs) moves to a university to continue his studies into the re-animation of the dead and comes across a promising assistant and a doctor he deems to be his nemesis. While experimenting in his basement, West injects and brings back to life the recently deceased household moggy, but it ain't chuffed at it's resurrection. Said cat goes crazy! Watch out for the killer cat's lunge at the screen (if it's ever 3D'd, it'd be so funny). So, Herb and his mate decide to bring 'fresh' corpses back from the dead and go to the morgue at their hospital. Things go array...

This film is hysterical! Frankenstein meets The Living Dead.

Budget: $900,000

Gross: $2,023,414

Fun Fact: Sequels include Bride of Re-Animator and Beyond Re-Animator. There was also a political satire sequel, based around the presidency and the Bush years, but it got shelved after Prez Bush left office.