The Raven

As a child, I loved this film and some years later, it continues to amuse me.

Plot: Late at night, a certain mister Vincent Price hears 'a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping on his chamber door' (bear in mind this is ye olde rapping, not Snoop Dogg rapping-though that would certainly be an interesting adaptation). It's a raven (what were the chances), he flies about and lands on a bust (not that kind guys) of his late wife-Lenore (horror film favourite- Hazel Court). Anyway, turns out the raven is in fact a transformed wizard (Peter Lore) and he recognises the bust. She's the mrs of the fella (Boris Karloff) what transformed him! Fancy that. Any way, Price (being a Wiz himself), sets out to rescue his wife (whom he is convinced must have been placed under a spell) and live happily ever after.

Written for the screen by screenplay extraordinare, Richard Matheson (Omega Man, The Legend of Hell House) and directed by Poe lover- Roger Corman, The Raven is a funny and entertaining b-movie, worthy of recognition for every aspect.

Budget: $200,000

Gross: $1,499,275

Fun Fact: Though taking it's title from an Edgar Allan Poe poem, it's actually a H.P.Lovecraft story (The Case of Charles Dexter Ward). Look out for the very young Jack 'Here's Johnny' Nicholson.

Who Dares Wins

A family favourite of ours and a brilliant, truly British actioner!

Plot: The British security forces get wind of a significant terrorist plot against an unknown target on British soil. In an effort to discover the nefarious goings on, the SAS (Special Air Service) send one of their men undercover. Staging a bust up between their man- Lewis Collins (The Professionals) and a couple of foreign special service soldiers, Collins is booted out and subsequently recruited by the terrorists/peace rally folk. Now inside, it's up to Collins to shag and spy his way to the top.

Think Bond, but without the suave.

There are some stand out scenes, including a rescue by the SAS and a siege (a la Iranian Embassy 1980).

AWESOME!

Line of the film: 'Dead soldiers...Live Bastards!'

Budget: $6,000,000

Gross: $2,666,873 (due to some bad press before the release)

Fun Fact: Collins actually auditioned for the role of James Bond in 1982, but was deemed "too aggressive" (one wonders what Bond would have been like with a pair of balls in the 80's). Ingrid Pitt (Dr Zhivago, Where Eagles Dare) also makes an appearance. A sequel, to be set in the Falklands was scraped.

The Legend of Hell House

You know, for a horror from the early 70's...this ain't bad. In fact, I'd go so far as to say, it was good.

Plot: A cranky old rich fella in a wheelchair employs a physicist, a mental medium (not handicapped-just mental), a physical medium and the physicist's mrs goes along for the ride, to investigate life after death. To do this, the gang are paid £100,000 for their services and they jump in a limo to Hell House. Seems this house was owned by a debauched fellow who took part in every deviant activity known to man (kinda like Larry Flint meets Aleister Crowley), who also killed 27 guests one night back in the 1950's. Now, 20 years on, the sole surviving member of another expedition to the house- Roddy McDowall (physical medium) is going back.

Is that such a good idea one might ask? One would be correct in asking.

Budget: $?

Gross: $2,500,000

Fun Fact: Based on the novel- Hell House, by Richard Matheson (I am Legend/Omega Man). The voice of the debauched fella was Alfred from the Tim Burton Batman.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

This is the 1978 version starring Donald Sutherland, Leonard Nimoy and Jeff Goldblum...urgh.

Plot: What appears to be space semen floats along the cosmic winds, lands on Earth, attaches to plants, creates pods and snares sleeping San Franciscans when they are ill prepared and unaware. Don is a health inspector and is advised by his unrequited love interest, that her fella is actin' a touch odd. He trusts her, but wants a second opinion (cue Spock and his logic) from a renowned author, therapist and mate. Funnily enough, Nimoy ain't buyin' it, but Jeff and his mrs are- they've seen a replica of Jeff in their mud bath shop and are a touch worried. Any who...they run around and realise that these pod-people are emotionless and the only way to survive is to act badly.

Budget: $3,500,000

Gross: $24,946,533

Fun Fact: There's the original 1956 film, a 1993 version- Body Snatchers and a Nicole Kidman effort- The Invasion.  

Neon Maniacs aka Evil Dead Warriors

Not much Neon, but plenty of Maniacs.

Plot: While enjoying a touch of illegal drinking and a dab of teen angst/sex, a group of kids are set upon by the most bizarre bunch of crazies this side of Nightbreed. A fella in a samurai costume with bad facial scarring, a bloke called Slasher, one called Decapitator, an angry Native American (angrier than usual I mean) and someone with a delight in archery descend on the kids and one by one, slaughter them, only to then pop back home (home being a storage area under the Golden Gate Bridge). It's up to the sole surviving teen to alert the cops and end the madness.

This film is superb. It's a laugh from beginning to end and one of the best of the monster/slasher genre available.

One of the lines of the film: 'Did you hear that sound?'
                                         'Yeah, it was creepy. Probably your mom howling out her anti-sex warning'.

There is no sense to this film, it's best to just go with it and revel in the absurdity that is Neon Maniacs.
You won't be disappointed!

Budget: $1,500,000

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Despite being set in San Francisco, if you look closely, you'll see the Twin Towers.

Phase IV

When Ants attack!

Plot: Following a solar occurrence, ants in the Arizona desert become aware and really rather smart. A scientist monitors their progress and upon confirmation of his hypothesis, he requests a research/experimentation laboratory be set up to observe and interact with the insects. He and his linguist, along with a stray female survivor of an earlier attack, seek to understand the ants behaviour and their desires. Initially prompting interaction by exploding the ant's monolithic structures and later bombarding them with sprays and audio waves.

What do ants what?!

Shot using intensely close images (documentary style), the ants are portrayed with thought and style, using a mixture of different colour species which lends a real ominous air to the story along with the narration.

A superb creature feature that would play well at drive-in theatres and small screens alike.

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: The insect scenes were shot by Ken Middleham, who also shot scenes for The Hellstrom Chronicle.

The Green Slime

One of his earliest films, this Kinji Fukasaku (Battle Royale) feature is shot entirely on location in Tokyo at the Toei Studios and marks the beginning of a major career.

Enjoy the intro...it's a marvel- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtV_LeN7B1g

Plot: There's an asteroid headed on a collision course with Earth (Armageddon) and the only fella that can save the day is retired hero- Commander Rankin (Robert Horton). Taking a rocket to Gamma III space station and then boarding a ship to the asteroid, Rankin and a team (including his old buddy-but no longer) drill down and set off explosions. Earth saved, now they must deal with the accidental infection of...THE GREEN SLIME!

Some outstanding costumes (controlled by children) and massive red eye issues take centre stage, as does some astonishingly bad 60's-futuristic dancing.

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: This film was originally entitled Battle Beyond the Stars. The sublimely bad soundtrack was written by Charles Fox- who was responsible for Barbarella and the Wonder Woman theme.

Just Before Dawn

Moral of the story; Don't mess with a crazy blonde in hot pants!

Plot: A group of five campers pop up to visit the land one of 'em owns in their nice, shiny new camper van. On the way they meet a park ranger (George Kennedy) who warns 'em not to go up there (quite lazily actually, he's more interested in pruning his plants and talking to his horse-Agatha) and a crazy drunk fella, who, quite understandably, has had a few, as he just saw his nephew stabbed through from junk to the asshole. The campers decide against helping him, believing him nuts and bugger off to have fun. Along the way they meet a hill billy family and come a cropper of their two eldest boys (tweedle dee and tweedle dum I guess).

If you go into the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise...

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Seems the director- Jeff Lieberman had the power of summoning light at will. The illumination failed and left the cast in complete darkness. After a few minutes, his command of 'Let there be light' was adhered to. Impressive.

Cannibal Apocalypse aka Invasion of the Flesh Hunters

Zombies are boring, lets have living folk that eat ya too.

Plot: John Saxon (Enter the Dragon) is a Vietnam veteran living in Atlanta and suffering from crazy flashbacks. These aren't ya normal Vietnam flashes, these ones include POW's eating raw human flesh and wouldn't ya know it, one of the human hungry lads (funnily enough named- Charles Bukowski) happens to have been released from a nut house, just the other day. What a coincidence. Oddly enough, their contracted cannibalism seems to have lain dormant for a few years, but not to worry, it's back and more contagious than ever.

Another of the Italian zombie/slasher ilk (Burial Ground), there's little common sense to these features and quite frankly there's also little reason for this ones creation in the first place. There are a few decent gore scenes though and some crackin' 80's hair do's.

Budget: $75,000

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Saxon was initially into this film, then read the script, but due to already signing, he was contractually obliged to make it. This lack of interest is clear throughout the film.

April Fool's Day

You know what the premise is, it's in the title, but based on experience, you'd imagine a lazy, unimaginative slasher film...you're dead wrong.

Plot: A group of University graduating students board a ferry to a friends family mansion on an island in one of the hoity toity places those pesky American socialites seem to love. Sadly for one of the locals working the ferry, he's crushed and rushed to the mainland for medical assistance. Despite the tragedy (the rich in these film's often uninterested in the real people issues), the 'fool's' begin immediately, with whoopie cushions, collapsing chairs and trick lights. As the film progresses, the students begin to disappear one by one. A tenuous link to a possible evil twin and a slew of body parts make for the amusement factor here, but there's also the twist that despite it's obvious nature, makes the movie fun and original (for the era).

No 'copping out' in this film. Enjoy.

Budget: $5,000,000

Gross: $12,947,763

Fun Fact: Look out for the hilarity that is 'Biff' from Back to the Future. A 2008 remake came along and vanished shortly after.

The Andromeda Strain

Adapted from the Michael Jurassic Park Crichton novel, The Andromeda Strain is a biological/alien life-form/laboratory experiment story...in short, it's a Sci-Fi and a damned good one.

Plot: A satellite crash lands in the small town of Piedmont, USA and subsequently the populous dies. Launching an investigation, the US government retrieves their satellite and two survivors (a baby and the town drunk), taking them to a high-tech, underground lab- Codename Wildfire (5 levels deep, with a variety of different decontamination procedures and colour coded), where a crack team of scientists dissect and probe the subjects with all manner of tests leading to eventual climax and query.

Shot in 1971, this cold war era story capitalizes on paranoia and over preparedness to set the teeth a chattering and the nerves on edge. Superb.

Budget: $? (they must have spent a fair bit, the design on the lab alone is worth the viewing)

Gross: $?

Line of the film: "I never liked red lights, reminds me of my years in a bordello".

Fun Fact: There was a remake made a few years back by the Scott brothers (Ridley- Alien and Tony).

Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone

Ivan Reitman produced this slick, early star (star-space, get it) laden, future apocalyptic story...and surprisingly, it ain't bad.

Plot: Spacehunter- Wolff (Peter Strauss) and his pretty android receive a mayday bounty to rescue three women- victims of a vacation ship's explosion, who have crash landed on a planet infected by a plague and run by an evil dictator (Michael Ironside-Total Recall) and his maniacal doctor buddy (think Hitler/Mengele, but Hitler has pincers for hands, is bald and has no 'stache). Needing some help, Wolff enlists the help of a scavenger with a disliking to bathing (Molly Ringwald- The Breakfast Club) to find the forbidden zone and save the day. Along the way, he also meets a former colleague- Ernie Hudson (The Crow, Ghostbusters II), does battle with giant saggy babies, dodges Molotov cocktails hurled by pre-pubescent/mutant children, shoots a water dragon and narrowly avoids capture and 'mating' by Amazonian-type women.

Budget: $14,400,400 (a little more than I would have guessed, but about right)

Gross: $16,500,000

Line of the film: "Emergency repair procedure #1"
                        "You kicked it?!"


Fun Fact: This film was screened in 3D. Although, having seen it, I'm not entirely sure I missed anything for the lack of that extra Dimension. Do not expect a Blue Ray/3D edition any time soon.

Return to Horror High

Overacting, beheading and blood baths...everything you want from a film called Return to Horror High.

Plot: A film crew, on location in a quiet little high school, are creating a blood bath spectacular based on a series of murders that took place there some years prior. The problem being- as the producer (Alex Rocco) sees it, actors keep quitting, there's not enough splatter and there can always be more 'tit-shots'. There's another problem, the cast and crew keep disappearing and no one notices. Told from the point of view of the sole surviving crew member - the writer (yeah for the create fella!), the cops begin investigating.

Look out for a great beheading scene, a decidedly unprofessional female cop and a pretty good twist in the end.

Budget: $?

Gross: $1,189,709

Line of the film: "I got ten inches strapped to my leg right here".

Fun Fact: This was George Clooney's (Return of the Killer Tomatoes) first film role. Not so much a blink and you'll miss him performance, but not much beyond. Awesome hair though.

Hardware

There are few futuristic films I've seen that I disliked more. Tragically bad just about covers this one.

Plot: A pre-apocalyptic USA (covered in red sand and pollution), where people are actively encouraged to stop having children. A travelling scavenger (Dylan McDermott) discovers a robot head in the red desert and gives it to his artist girlfriend as a gift. She subsequently incorporates it into her sculpture and low and behold, our head miraculously regains consciousness and goes on a kill crazy rampage.

Not good. Not original. Not interesting.

Why review it? It has Iggy Pop as a disc-jockey and Lemmy from Motorhead as a water taxi driver.

Budget: $1,500,000

Gross: $5,728953

Someone stated on the poster that this film was the best sci-fi since Alien...I imagine they got paid a lot to say that.

Fun Fact: The film was inspired by a short story in a Judge Dredd comic.

Back to the Future

Outstanding. Doesn't matter in which decade you decided to 'go back', timeless (ha ha).

Plot: Marty McFly (Michael J.Fox) is a high school failure, dating a hot girl, playing his guitar and generally dreaming of a better life. Turns out, his rather odd buddy 'Doc' (Christopher Lloyd)- a mad scientist, has invented a time travel device and decided to embed it inside the star car of the 1980's, a silver, gull-wing DeLorean (soon to die a death as a company). While test driving the machine in the local mall parking lot, the terrorists that Doc stole the Plutonium from (because, as you all know, time travel is dependent on Plutonium-duh) turn up and start firing. Doc's dead and Marty has to escape. Jumping in the car and accelerating, Marty reaches optimum speed (88mph) and he's gone in a blaze of lightning. Where has Marty gone? How will he get back? Watch and discover the joy that is Back to the Future.

Yes, I know you've all seen it (a lot), but see it again, then watch the second (Hover-boards, awesome!) and skip through most of the third.

Budget: $19,000,000

Gross: $383,874,862

Fun Fact: Eric Stoltz was originally cast as Marty McFly, but after looking at the footage the powers that be (Spielberg and Zemekis) realised he 'sucked' and reworked Fox's schedule and got their man. To his credit, Stoltz agreed he'd be miscast.

The Kindred

Genetic hybridisation...is it ever a good idea?!

Plot: A young doctor-John Hollins (David Allen Brooks), working in research laboratory hears that his recently stricken mother is on the mend and takes to the hospital to see her. There he is informed that she had been working on splicing human and fish-type DNA to create a creature called Anthony. She pleads with him to destroy all her research, but fails to advise of the specifics he would find in her house. Taking a team of students and an attractive stranger (who happens to be studying the same field as his Ma), Hollins discovers his childhood home is now a scientists wet dream and a tentacled monstrosity roams the woods.

Look out for some excellent creature effects and a nice turn as the mad scientist by Rod Steiger.

Budget: $?

Gross: $2,407,024

Fun Fact: Writer/Director Stephen Carpenter created TV series Grimm.

The Funhouse

Directed by horror film icon, Tobe Hooper (Poltergeist) and starring a fella called Cooper Huckabee, witness Carni-folk wierdness in all it's glory. Or at least some of it.

Plot: Four teenagers go to the carnival, fully aware of the stigma attached to this particular tour- a couple of people going missing just a few months prior. Amusing themselves smoking weed, riding amusements, having their futures read and looking at natures mistakes in jars (including a two headed cow-alive). Getting a touch adventurous, the kids decide to camp over night in the 'fun-house'. Problem being, they witness a fang-toothed mutant bloke receiving a hand job from the fortune teller (that's pretty bad, but there's more), he kills her and then the mutants dad and him set after them and use the elements of the fun-house to 'get em'.

There could have been so much more made of this film. Real Carni's for a start and making the mutant scary might have been a good idea too.

Line of the film: "Shit, I'll find my own hole!"

Budget: $?

Gross: $7,886,857

Fun Fact: Sylvia Miles (our fortune teller hooker) was actually nominated twice for an Academy Award...not for this film  I might add though.

Moon Zero Two

Filmed in the late 1960's, Moon Zero Two is a British Sci-Fi which will only serve to amuse and bore in equal measure.

Plot: The first man on Mars is now a salvage man, orbiting the Moon, retrieving space junk and annoying Pan Am commercial space pilots. When approached by a billionaire (who likes to play 'Moonopoly'-no spelling error) to direct a Sapphire laden asteroid onto a barren area of the Moon, he agrees, only to later discover that said wealthy fella is not entirely nice. Slow motion anti-gravity (people moving slowly and pretending), 60's furnishing and an appearance from that big bloke in most of the 'Carry On' films are the main reasons to watch this film, though you'd be forgiven for fast forwarding towards the eventual, predictable ending.

A segment referring to Neil Armstrong was inserted towards the end of filming to capitalise on the 'recent' success.

Line of the film: 'I'm always at a disadvantage when I haven't got any clothes on'.

Budget: £500,000

Fun Fact: Visual effects (such as they were) came from the team that worked on 2001: A Space Odyssey, surprisingly.

Electroma

This Daft Punk film is iconic and cult instantly.

Plot: Two robots (Daft Punk's characters on stage), one gold, one silver, drive through the back roads of the American west in search of a new life, something different. Pulling into a small town, populated by their kin-folk (all robots, male, female, child alike), Hero Robot No 1 and Hero Robot No 2 enter a facility designed to alter their appearance (plastic surgery for androids). Leaving the building, the pair draw looks from the residents as they now appear human-ish and are soon chased.

I'll not tell you any more as this feature is wonderfully creative and intuitive. Told entirely through blinding cinematography and music (as you would expect from a pair of audio supremacists), each and every image is a statement of style and worthy of framing on your wall.

Look out for Interstella 5555, equally superb.

Fun Fact: Shot in 11 days, with the film's midnight Paris screenings running for 6 months.

Real Genius

80's, computers (of course), lasers, spaceships (well, spaceship), Val Kilmer (Willow). Nice.

Plot: A 15 year old genius kid is recruited to university by a Government funded douchebag designing space based laser technology. The awkward young man meets his hero- Val Kilmer, another genius, with a love for the ridiculous and shares his dorm room. There's also another fella, living in the wardrobe. Any who...the pair realize, after they have completed this weapon of mass/individual destruction, that they have been duped and set about to correct the error.

Alarming/worrying scenes involve our 15 year old being kissed by a 30 something woman, intent on bedding him and the same said kid hooking up with a 19 year old girl. While at the age of 15, I would have been rather excited by both prospects, looking on it now, it seems this 1985 comedy was either advocating statutory rape...or just being playful, you decide.

Budget: $?

Gross: $12,952,019

Fun Fact: Promotion for the film was conducted via computer, using the CompuServe network.

Waxwork

Midgets on Helium, giants, vampires, were-wolves, killer plants, aliens and the fella from Gremlins...what more do you want?!

Plot: Two teenage girls happen upon a waxwork museum, oddly situated in a suburb of their sleepy like town. Invited to a midnight viewing and encouraged to bring friends, the pair and their mates (including Zach Galligan- Gremlins) pop along. The museum seems to revel in the macabre, with every display depicting a scene from a monster of history or the supernatural. Being teens, a couple of the kids step over the barriers and are transported into the worlds of the displays, fighting for their lives and invariably failing and being turned into wax displays themselves. Zach and a female friend miss these happenings and leave, assuming their friends have taken off, only to notice their disappearance a few days later. The cops are useless (as ever), so Zach turns to the attic (as ever), which is laden with junk and supernatural mysterios, leading them to a disabled know-it-all (Patrick Macnee) and his underground group of occult fighters.

Scene of the film: When Macnee et al arrive, him riding his 'battle' wheelchair.

Budget: $1,500,000

Gross: $808,114 (I've seen worse films do much better at the box office)

Fun Fact: Watch out for a were-wolf in the guise of John Rhys Davis (Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark, Sliders). Waxwork II: Lost in Time sees Zach Galligan reprise his role and Bruce Campbell supports.

The Devil Rides Out

One of my favourites as a kid and still stands up well.

Plot: Duc de Richleau (Christopher Lee- Legend) goes to Salisbury to visit the son of a buddy, only to discover he and his female friend have become initiates of a Devil worshipping cult (given that it was set in the 1930's, we can only assume they were at a loose end). Having a touch of experience in this field, Lee and his mate rescue the deluded pair and take them back to a country mansion, with the intent saving their eternal souls. Unfortunately, the young folk have become psychically linked with the head of the occult cult and so begins a night of mental torment for all involved.

Scene of the film: When the Devil, resplendent in all his goat legged glory appears in the heart of a bonfire.

This film is Lee's favourite and even he wants to see it remade.

Fun Fact: Based on the novel by legendary author, Dennis Wheatley and adapted for the screen by I Am Legend (Omega Man) author, Richard Matheson.

The Stunt Man

Check out the poster and tell me you don't want to see this!

Plot: A Vietnam veteran (Steve Railsback) is almost run off a bridge by a stunt man, mid-shoot. Steve doesn't appreciate this, having survived the commies, he's damn sure not gonna die at the hands of a stunt driver. To whit, Steve throws something at the car, causing it to crash over the side of the bridge and the stunt man to die. Seizing the opportunity, our eccentric director (Peter O'Toole- Lawrence of Arabia) hires the war vet to take the stunt man's place as double for the leading actor and carry out a series of vastly dangerous stunts for his WWI film, culminating in a second attempt at the bridge scene. O'Toole's ideas and manias are shared by the entirety of the cast and crew, including Barbara Hershey, the leading lady and soon to be, love interest for out reluctant stunt man.

This film is less a story of crazy endeavours and more a spiralling assault on the sanity of a man already on the edge. Superb, but rather long.

Line of the film: 'I had a virgin once. I had to go to guatamala for her. She was blind in one eye and had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami beach"'.

Budget: ?

Gross: $7,068,886

Fun Fact: O'Toole based his demented director character on David Lean (director of Lawrence of Arabia).

The Gate

1987, a 9-10 year old Stephen Dorff and friend discover a gate to hell in the back yard...what would you do?

Plot: The menacing tree in the back yard is ripped from the ground, to leave a hole for the grounded Stephen Dorff to fill in while his folks take off for the weekend, leaving his big sis in charge. Rather than fill it in, he and a mate simply lay an old door over the hole and head off to play with rockets and bug his sis at her party. Little do they know, the hole is in fact a gateway to the bowels of hell and a bunch of mini clay-mation monsters. Armed with a knowledge of the occult, gleaned from a rock album, Dorff and buddy chant rituals at the mouth of hell, eventually settling for throwing the bible inside (bible bomb-superb). This is only a temporary measure however. Cue, big monster, rocket action and repeated mini-monster nibbling.

Budget: $?

Gross: $13,539,458 (you know what that means...sequel!- Gate II), sadly, I actually saw this one a while back- monsters in a cage, it can't end well.

Fun Fact: Alex Winter (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) has been linked with directing a 3D remake since 2009, with concept design by H.R.Giger (Alien) none the less.