Sometimes They Come Back

Based on a Stephen King short story, Dino De Laurentis (Danger Diabolik) figured this was worth the full length treatment...wrong.

Plot: 1963, two young boys are cornered in a train tunnel by a gang of four 18 year old's, in leather jackets and driving a black car with flames down the side. After a touch of thuggery, the elder of the two brothers is stabbed to death, the young one runs off and by a stroke of luck, a train slams into the car and 'offs' the baddies...except, sometimes they...(fill in the blank).
Cut to the late 80's/early 90's and the demonic bullies are back, this time they want revenge...for something, not that they actually have anything to avenge.

It's kind of a Stand By Me...with ghosts. Not great, barely good.

Fun Fact: Two sequels followed, Sometimes They Come Back Again and the even more imaginatively entitled,  Sometimes They Come Back For More. A small appearance comes from William Sanderson (Blade Runner).

Slugs

When Slugs attack, run! Slowly, or walk, they won't catch you.

Plot: When toxic waste (as ever) is dumped into a small towns sewer system, the slugs mutate (not particularly large, but they do have teeth) and go on a munching spree, humans, not lettuce. It's up to the town's health inspector, the waste disposal bloke and the random bald British fella from the local high school to save the day.

Scene of the film: the health inspector gets 'bitten'.

You know you're running out of horror concepts when slugs are your choice of content...sequel? Snails- They nibble.

Fun Fact: This 1988 'horror' was banned by the Australian Queensland Censorship board.

Gargoyles

A 1972 monster movie...not much more to say.

Plot: An anthropologist author, Dr Boley and his daughter travel to a museum in the middle of the south western, U.S. desert and meet a fella called Willie. Seems Willie has a skeleton of a Gargoyle (that's right, the stone creatures on the ledges of gothic cathedrals etc) and wants the doc to co-write a book with him. While telling the story of the origins of these monsters, Willie's barn is pulled down, goes up in flames and wouldn't you know it, he dies. The doc and his daughter escape with the skull, only for the head gargoyle (looks like Calibos from Clash of the Titans) and his mates (fellas in greeny brown one piece costumes that look like bug eyed lizards with horns and optional wings) to come a knockin'. The daughter is kidnapped and the cops, daddy and a trail biker gang, led by a young Scott Glenn (The Right Stuff), set out to rescue her.

Made for TV, you never would have guessed.

Line of the film: "You and your old man sniffin' glue in that motel?"

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: This film was shot in only 18 days and with a single camera.

Logan's Run

Run Logan, Ruuuunnnnn! Oh wait, wrong film.

Plot: In a Utopian future, mankind lives in a dome, run by a computer (a large ZX Spectrum thing with flashing lights) and live to the ripe old age of 30, at which point they are "Renewed". Logan 5 (Michael York-The Three Musketeers) is a Sandman, empowered to chase after those non-loyal folk that run off when their crystal time clocks (located in their palms) run out. Realising that there's something amiss, Logan and his new girlfriend, Jessica 6 (Jenny Agutter- Walkabout) start to run, find a crusty old dude, Peter Ustinov and discover the truth about their ideal lives and the myth of the "Sanctuary".

Budget: $9,000,000

Gross: $25,000,000

Fun Fact: There was a TV series and there have been multiple failed attempts at a remake. There was even a Marvel Comic. Co-starring Richard Jordan- Raise the Titanic, Solarbabies and Farrah Fawcett.

Walkabout

Wow. What a rich and textured film. Jenny Agutta's (Logan's Run) arc is long and complete. It's a very satisfying film; delineatively shot and Directed by Nicolas Roeg (Don't Look Now).

Plot: Two English children are stranded in the Australian outback after their father goes a touch bonkers and decides their deaths are the only way forward. To survive they must adapt, or else perish. A local aborigine boy shows them the way.

It's great. The themes and the imagery are so universal, primal, and so unlike contemporary Australian cinema which has become far too parochial (Rabbit Proof Fence et al.). Roeg shoots Agutta the same way he shoots the land – with curiosity and lust. Here, his photography explores sensuality in humanity and in nature. It's that perspective that pervades the film, and enriches it, providing impressionistic sequences like no other in Cult cinema. Based on the book by James Vance Marshall.

Budget: $1,000,000 (Aussie bucks)

Fun Fact: I can't think of any, other than to say that it is well worth watching and if you haven't seen it, you should.

review by Simon Hansen.

Stroszek

Apparently Ian Curtis (of Joy Division) watched this film just before his suicide. I can believe that. Not that Stroszek is depressing: it's just very far from life-affirming.

Plot: Bruno Stroszek is released from a German prison and counselled to reform his drinking. He befriends a prostitute, Eva, who has been beaten by her pimps. Bruno and Eva travel with his neighbour to Wisconsin where they buy into a large mortgage and live on the open prairie. The promise of a new life for Bruno goes up in flames as the bills mount and Eva becomes distant.

Werner Herzog gets a good performance out of Klaus Kinski (Nosferatu the Vampyre) in the title role and weaves a characteristically kooky tale of a man pushed to his limit. There's a brilliant final sequence that is both logical and surprising. Herzog is very good at what he does.

Freaky Fact: Herzog had planned on meeting up with Ed Morris and digging up the grave of Ed Gein's mum. Sadly, Morris never showed.

review by Simon Hansen.

Galaxina

So, it's a kind of derivative spoof that is about half as good as Spaceballs. It references 2001, Alien, Star Wars and Star Trek. And it is meta.

Plot: The crew of the Police space cruiser 'Infinity' are patrolling the space highways when they are commissioned to retrieve the Blue Crystal from a far away planet. Galaxina, an incredibly sexy robot (Dorothy R. Stratten-Playboy Playmate of the Year-1980...I wonder why she was cast?), reprogrammes herself to be with one of the crewmen. On the far away planet, she is captured by a cult that worship Harley Davidson. The crewman saves Galaxina but back onboard the ship they are all captured and jailed - only to escape with the help of a baby alien that thinks the ships captain is its mother. Yep.

They visit a 'Human Restaurant', that serves..you know, tastes like pork...and an alien brothel with a three-boobed alien (pre-Total Recall but post-We Can Remember It for You Wholesale-Philip K. Dick).

Irreverent. Naughty. Blah.

Budget: $ I truly have no clue?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: This film got the M rating in New Zealand for it's offensive language and sexual content. Oh yeah!

review by Simon Hansen.

1941

Zemeckis, Candy, Lee, Ackroyd and Spielberg...how can you say no?

Plot: Following the bombing of Pearl Harbour, hysteria grips America. An assortment of paranoid Army and Airforce personnel scramble to protect the Los Angeles coastline from the imagined enemy. There is one small, but serious, Japanese contingent awaiting; but no-one can get it together to fight them.

We might expect more from Spielberg, and from the pen of Robert Zemeckis (Back to the Future): so we should. This plot is threadbare. And can anyone tell me who the main character is? Belushi is on the DVD cover. Dan Akroyd's there, unconscious. Sir Christopher Lee plays a nazi, for about a minute. The ensemble, however cartoonish, are well drawn and belong in this parallel universe. It is funny. And silly. Absurdist, goofball comedy. It's the slapstick Dr Strangelove. And Spielberg directs it. So it pretty much works.

Budget: $35,000,000

Gross: $92,455,742

Fun Fact: A veritable who's who of cast members. Look out for John Landis (An American Werewolf in London) and Mickey Rourke. John Wayne and Charlton Heston were both offered roles, but felt the film was unpatriotic. 

review by Simon Hansen.

Phantom of the Paradise

The story of Faust is transposed to the music industry in a ninety minute dream sequence written and directed by Brian De Palma.

Plot: For the opening night of his new club, record Producer Swan steals an unsigned musician's rock contata that is based on the German legend “Faust”. The musician, Leach, objects and is framed, jailed and disfigured in his pursuit of due credit. Masked and crippled, he terrorises the club until Swan offers him a contract; signed in blood, it entwines his fate with the Producer's. The denouement occurs at the club opening, where the Producer is exposed and Leach gets the girl, sort of.

It's a great, inconsistent, mid seventies shamble with cell animation, musical numbers and a little gore. The tone is all over the place: John Waters meets Scorcese's After Hours at Benny Hill's house, with the Rocky Horror cast doing blow in the kitchen. 

It's mesmerizing, unique and well worth your valuable time.

Budget: $1,300,000

Gross: $?

Line of the film: 'I think the Juicy Fruits are gonna dig it'.

Fun Fact: Sissy Spasek (Carrie) was the films set dresser.

review by Simon Hansen.

The Octagon

Chuck Norris delivers another high-energy low-blow to cinema with this naughty ninja tale.

Plot: Sakura, a childhood friend of Chuck's, runs a user pays terrorist training camp for international militants, the I.R.A, Arab terrorists and the like, teaching them the way of the ninja. When Chuck's gym buddy, A.J, heads for the camp Chuck follows - and confronts Sakura. Action follows.

The first half creeps along as various women try to hook Chuck into doing something about the terrorists. His posturing and moralising is punctuated by action set-pieces, air-punches, and an internal monologue that tries to explain the abysmal plot (presumably an afterthought during the edit). Look out for Chuck's golden, late seventies hair and that creepy blonde moustache. If you can get past the first half, the climax scene is good and has a very solid man-on-fire scene.

Budget: $?

Gross: $18,971,000

Fun Fact: Ernie Hudson (Ghostbusters) makes an appearance.

review by Simon Hansen.

Night of the Creeps

The sad thing about this film is that while yes, it's directed by Fred Dekker (The Monster Squad & House), yes it's produced by Charles Gordon (Waterworld) and yes, it's a homage to the b-movies of the 50's, it is, in fact, crap. Shame that, it had so much potential.

Plot: Beginning with giant, alien baby folk losing their prized zombie experiment, we then jump to Earth, circa 1959; a couple snogging in their car see a comet passing over head and decide to check it out. Fools. The capsule carrying the experiment unleashes big slugs that take over the fella's mind and kills him, all the while, an escaped mental patient with a fire axe goes on a rampage and slaughters our sorority girl. Leap forward to 1986, same university town and a prank to steal a cadaver from the university labs goes array, loosing the cryogenically frozen young man from 1959 and his dormant slug buddies.

Sadly, while trying to cater to all the sub-genres of the b-movie, this film fails to capitilize on any of them, to the point that you never really care about it. There's a freaky cat and a dodgy dog, there's also an appearance from   Dick Miller (Mr Futterman in Gremlins). Make sure you watch the alternate ending if you do in fact see this film, it's so much better than the original  ending.

Budget: $5,000,000

Gross: $591,366

Fun Fact: All the characters are named for cult film favourites, James Cameron, George A.Romero, Sam Raimi, etc. A sequel, Zombietown was released in Germany, a pale follow up by all accounts.

Solarbabies

Filmed in 1986, this Sci-Fi attempt suffers somewhat from a lack of...what do you call it?...oh yes, interest.

Plot: In the post-apocalyptic future, the Eco-Protectorate run the world, rationing the Earth's water supply, running orphanages and assaulting the few people that deem to live out with their control. One day, while playing a roller-hockey type game, the youngest member of the orphanage team stumbles upon a glowing blue ball that flys and seems interested in helping to restore the planets vitality. In an effort to bring this premonition to reality, the full team- including Jason Patric (The Lost Boys), James LeGros, Jami Gertz (also in The Lost Boys) and Lukas Haas, travel across the barren landscape on roller-skates and do battle with the maniacal leader of the EP, Richard Jordan (Raise the Titanic, Logan's Run), his chief scientist, Sarah Douglas (Superman I and II) and their torture loving robot.    

Budget: $7,500,000

Gross: $1,579,260

This film did not score highly with folk, one reviewer even suggested the script had been re-worked in Crayola.

Fun Fact: There's a small role for Adrian Pasdar (Heroes), a cameo for British comedian Alexei Sayle and even an appearance by Critters star, Terrance Mann.

Death Ship

Ghost ship in the Atlantic ocean rams a tourist ship and chaos ensues...ish.

Plot: An ocean liner collides with a ghost ship on a deliberate collision course and subsequently sinks. The survivors include the mardy captain- George Kennedy, his first mate- Richard Crenna (Rambo's boss), soon to replace him after this voyage and his family, a lounge singer that fancies himself Frank Sinatra (Saul Rubinek- Warehouse 13) and a few other folk. While relaxing on the ocean blue in their rescue craft, the ghostly ship appears from behind (insert joke here), they hop on board and soon after start dying off. The ship has a mind of it's own (who'd a thought it huh?), it's a former Nazi ship and George Kennedy becomes possessed.

This could have been a superb film, really. A Nazi ghost ship that kills folk, awesome! Not so, sadly.
You could watch it, but as it took me two full attempts to see it to fruition, I'd advise against it.

Budget: $4,500,000 (Canadian)

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: I simply couldn't find anything fun about this film. A couple of death scenes are ok, I guess.

The Dead Next Door

Following on from the craze that George A.Romero epitomised, J.R Bookwalter and friends created this 1989 gore fest that absolutely revelled in all that is great in Zombie films.

Plot: The dead are alive, again and the Zombie Squad (yep, they drive station wagons too) are out to find the cure to the re-animation of corpses that has ravaged the nation (the USA as usual). Travelling to the countryside to follow up on the research a scientist has begun, the squad meet a cult that believes the dead should be saved and are less than bothered by the governments crack team of Zombie killers (they're crap actually).

Watch out for some superb kill scenes-grenade in the mouth being one and a cult commando that looks like Rambo's blonde, mulleted love child. The movie was shot entirely on Super 8 film, which accounts for its similar quality to Romero's works. There's even nods to the horror greats- Raimi, Savini and Romero with characters being named after them.

Line of the Film: "It's trying to eat us, but it doesn't have a mouth. Why? Why?!"

Budget: $75,000

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Sam Raimi actually produced this film, under the pseudonym 'The Master Cylinder'. Listen carefully for the voice talents of Mr Bruce Campbell too.

House

Written by Fred Dekker (Night of the Creeps, Monster Squad), this 1986 comedy/horror certainly revels in the ridiculous.

Plot: Recently estranged author- Roger Cobb (William Katt), moves into his auntie's house after she hangs herself and soon after his only son vanished from said house. Seeking to put the bits of his life back together, Cobb starts experiencing random, monster/ghoul infused nightmares, that also include tenuous flashbacks to his time in 'nam. Trying to figure out why he's having these flashes, Cobb sets up a series of cameras and aims them at the door the monsters keep escaping from. He fails to photograph any of them, so in an effort to gain sanity and proof, he invites his number one fan and coincidentally, his next door neighbour- George Wendt (Cheers), around to witness his efforts. When the monsters and the battle hardened, rather miffed, 'Big Ben'- his irrate buddy, come to have a go, Cobb meets 'em head on.

I saw this film on the shelves of the local video shop when I was a pre-teen and instantly thought, 'this looks scary'...I was wrong. Funny though.

Budget: $3,000,000

Gross: $19,444,631 (incredible!)

Fun Fact: A sequel, imaginatively entitled, House II: The Second Story, followed a year on and promised to get even weirder. I shan't be watching that one for ya though.

Race with the Devil

If this film has taught me anything, it's that motor-homes kick ass!..as does Peter Fonda.

Plot: Peter Fonda, Warren Oates and their ladies decide to go on a break in their new, shiny motor home. While parked, they happen to see an occult ritual being performed, where-in a young lady is stabbed to death. The holiday-makers take off at high speed, with the Devilish bunch chasing 'em down. Other than animal killings, there isn't really any occult stuff happening, but there is some superb highway fisticuffs!

I would also say that I was very impressed with the house pride shown by all in the vehicle.

Budget: $1,745,000

Gross: $ ?

Fun Fact: There was a remake planned in 2005, sadly not materialised yet.

Dark Crystal

Funnily enough, this is the first time I've seen this film from beginning to end.

My justification for this being, I was all of 7 years old when I first tried watching it and the monsters scared me. I 'manned' up this time though.

Plot: On a world, far, far away and in the year of our lord- 1982, Jim Henson and Franz Oz (Labyrinth) wrote and directed the story of a bunch of nasty, rat-like, 8 foot tall monsters, that delight in the genocide of a race called Gelflings and the extraction of a creatures life essence via giant crystals. On the flip side, there's these really slow moving cow/camel things that are much nicer and practise mystical powers, mainly by humming. So, the cows save the last of the Gelflings-Jen and raise him to follow his destiny and unite a shard of crystal with a much larger dark crystal, at the time of the three suns conjunction, thus saving the day, the planet and re-uniting the elements of the universe that were separated. Huzzah.

It's so slow moving. I'm not kidding. Sure, by the end of it I was into it, wanted to know how it'd all finish, but it was really slow. As with many a cult film, this one was shot in Britain, Elstree Studios, the Scottish Highlands and parts of Yorkshire (the north, but we'll excuse that).

Budget: $15,000,000

Gross: $40,577,001

Fun Fact: The long awaited sequel-The Power of the Dark Crystal, is currently on hold, as it has been, on and off since it's inception.