The Bermuda Triangle

Urgh.

Yep, urgh.

The Bermuda Triangle is a mystery with the same fictional and creative potential as the Atlantis mythology, but this particular incarnation fails resoundingly to emote much more than a casual glance.

Plot: A cruise boat, populated by an extended family has decided to take in the calm waters around Bermuda. They know the myths, they know the risks, but instead of erring on the side of caution and quite frankly, buggering off and having a nice holiday somewhere else, these wealthy fools take four kids and a bunch of diving equipment to the most notorious part of any ocean and go for a wander around.

The film lacks in pace, story, character development, acting capability and is dubbed from the original Italian version. In short, this film is a colossal failure.

The best thing about it? It's either the poster (which is immensely misleading) or the little girls doll, which at times comes to life.   

Budget: Pah, can't be much.

Gross: Must have been a giant loss.

Fun Fact: Go to IMDB and read the first review you come to. It is quite clear that this reviewer and myself watched very, very different films, http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0078417/. 

Kingdom of the Spiders

Starring

William Shatner

enough said...

but for those of you that insist on a more comprehensive review, here goes:

Plot: Shatner plays "Rack", a chauvinist veterinarian cowboy, living in the Verde Valley-Arizona. Upon a rather strange investigation, it becomes clear that a cow has been bitten to death...by spiders! To be sure, Shatner sends tests to the "Big Smoke", only for an expert (Tiffany Bolling) to arrive and convince him of the dilemma the town now faces.

You'll be happy to know that in-between battling the spider invasion, Shatner takes some time out to romance the leading lady in the most manly of ways.  

While the premise may be trite, the production values are high and quite frankly, hats off to anyone (kids included) that make a film were creep crawlies are, well, creepy crawling their way all over ya.

Line of the film: "Slick as a gnat's ass".

Budget: $500,000

Gross: $17,000,000 (yep, really)

Not so fun fact: A large number of Tarantula were stomped on and run over for the purposes of the film. I'm not a spider fan per-se, but this seems a little harsh to me. At least Spielberg used rubber spiders in Arachnophobia. Shatner tried to write and direct a sequel in the late 80's, but the Cannon film studio went bust before a script could be written.

Rawhead Rex

Hmmm, the title really doesn't hide anything, this is a proper B-movie and cult too.

By that I mean its low budget, bad/basic story, badly acted and worse shot.

Plot: Three Irish fellas are digging in a field (sounds like a joke, kinda is) trying to remove a sort of stone monolith, two of em' bugger off, leaving the farmer to carry on trying. Eventually it gives way, only for a prosthetic faced demon monster to emerge from the soil and rip into his jugular...and that's the rest of it too. Monster keeps killing, 'til an American father (who happens to be in town researching pagan myths) turns up and chases it around and his wife sorts it all out.

Sadly you never find out why he's called Rawhead and they never call him Rex.

Released in December 1986.

Fun Fact: Based on a Clive Barker story, but I can only imagine he forgot to...er, write much. There is also talk of a remake, after Barker is done with the revamped Hellraisers.

976 EVIL

Oooooooooohhhh, waaaaaaaa. Scary.

Actually, the most scary part of this film is the car-phone in the opening sequence, but it's good for a laugh anyway.

Directed by Freddy Krueger himself- Robert Englund, this 1980's horror bonanza is not lacking in blood, but could do better for a touch more fear.

Plot: Two cousins live door to door. One a rebel with a Harley, the other, a momma's boy in pyjamas with a complex. One bored night, the impoverished rebel dials a number on a flyer, this number is 976 EVIL. You'd think this would be hint enough not to call and the fact it calls itself 'Horrorscope' is a trifle obvious too, but, hey ho, guess the lad ain't too clever. So, he calls, hears an ominous voice and eventually, after numerous bored calls, decides this is enough and quits calling. His cousin, however, doesn't. Seems the voice on the other end has a nefarious plan and gives the downtrodden kid the perfect pointy fingered tools to be rid of the bullies that torment him and his mother.

It's up to a nosey reporter, a school teacher and the other cousin to end the devilish deeds and save the kid...

Budget: $?

Gross: $2,955,917

Fun Fact: There was a sequel, despite the films 0% review on www.rottentomatoes.com- 976 EVIL II- The Astral Factor. Look out for a short appearance by Robert Picardo (Star Trek Voyager).