Ferris Bueller's Day Off

If you, ya best mate and ya rather foxy girlfriend (Mia Sara) could wangle a day off school, nick off with a classic Ferrari and live THE life in Chicago...wouldn't you?!

Plot: As above. More detail? Ferris (Matthew Broderick) is a bit of a cheeky fella. He decides that rather than actually attend school and study, he's going to fake being sick and take his best mates out to the city where-in they will drive a Ferrari, dine at a swanky restaurant, dance to Twist & Shout on the main street parade (he really did this), take in the sights (Museums/Wrigley Field) and get back home, all before his folks and anyone else find out. The only problem being, he has to avoid his suspicious headmaster and his miffed older sister- Jennifer Grey (Dirty Dancing).

This film encompasses all the joy and revelry an anarchic teen could wish for.

Budget: £5,800,000

Gross: $70, 136,369

Fun Fact: Cameos come from Charlie Sheen and Kirsty Swanson. Broderick and director-John Hughes stayed in touch and talked over the possibility of a sequel set in college, but neither really fancied it.

No Blade of Grass

Adapted from the novel of the same name, No Blade of Grass is one of the original apocalyptic films with an  ecological message.

Plot: A deadly virus spreads rapidly throughout China and the rest of the world, destroying the planets capacity to grow grass. As a result, animals die, crops fail and widespread starvation flourishes. Following the mass genocide implemented by China against it's own nation (not enough grub for everyone), the British government continues to broadcast that they have more than enough food reserves for the country. Ex-army fella- John Custane (Nigel Davenport-Phase IV) has the inside track, a bloke he knows is working on a cure, but the government are nowhere and they decide to flee the city and head north to Scotland, where Custane's bruv has a farm. En-route, our band of refugees encounter mass looting, angry locals that nick ya stuff, have to shoot a pair of army road blockers and run a fowl of a few rapey fellas.

Sadly, this film lacks conviction. Surprising that it got made at all, given the content. This film well deserves a remake.

Budget: $1,500,000

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: EastEnders fans can keep an eye out for a flirty Wendy Richards.

The Sentinel

Michael Winner strikes! He managed to take a multitude of talent, pick the wrong ones to star and forget entirely about the script. Nice work.

Plot: A model moves into a converted mansion type building and quickly makes friends with a rather odd fella in a tuxedo (Rocky's coach), a pair of ballet lesbians (yep, really!), a group of demented/elderly women and a black and white cat. While living in the house, she swiftly realises that the inhabitants are in fact all ghosts (I'm not ruining this for you, I'm really not) and starts getting major migraines. In an effort to help her, her boyfriend- Chris Sarandon (The Princess Bride), who's a very successful lawyer, investigates the history of the building- which happens to be owned by the Catholic church.

Long story short (and by God I wish I'd read a few reviews prior to watching this disaster of a film), it sucked. The ending is tapped on to simply finish the film. I'd have been happier if the film just stopped.

Yep, I didn't like it.

Funniest part of the film: Jeff Goldblum's dubbed voice.

Budget: $3,700,000

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: This film could have been excellent, if only the director had stuck to an ad-libbed script and used the future star power at his disposal- Jeff Goldblum (The Fly, Jurassic Park), Christopher Walken (True Romance), Tom Berenger (Major League), Beverly D'Angelo (National Lampoon's), Oscar Winner- Ava Gardener (The Night of the Iguana) and Eli Wallach (every Clint Eastwood western ever made).

The Warriors

With names like the Gramercy Riffs, The Rogues, The Turnbull ACs and The Warriors...can you help but be enthralled by this gangland warfare film?!

Plot: While attending a meeting of the gangs at Van Cortlandt Park, the host of the party suggests a truce- so that they as a combined gang can rule the city. Sadly for our revolutionary, the leader of The Rogues disagrees and shoots him dead, framing The Warriors for the assassination. It's now up to the nine attending members of The Warriors to trek, traverse and high tail it from one end of the city to another, dodging police, rival angry gangs and 'hit's sent out over the radio.

All the scuffles, shootings and stabbings one might ever want from a true cult film.

Written and Directed by legend- Walter Hill (The Driver).

Budget: $?

Gross: 22,490,039

Fun Fact: There was a spin off TV show called The Renegades, they even had action figures. Tony Scott is rumoured to be considering a remake.

Savage Streets

A real missed opportunity here. 80's brutality, mixed with substandard writing and even worse acting...I give you- Savage Streets!

Plot: Linda Blair (The Exorcist, Hell Night) stars as the big breasted sister to a deaf teenager who is brutally attacked and raped. In her quest for vengeance, she dons a zip-up black cat suit, buys a variety of bear traps, brandishes a crossbow and sets about hunting down the gang responsible- The Scars. The poster would have you believe that she and her crew of bad-ass bitches group together and get revenge. Sadly, it's just Linda and her tragically bad performance that seek to instil the fear in this film.

Line of the film: 'Go F*** an ice berg!'

Budget: $1,200,000

Gross: $?

High light of the film must go to the completely unnecessary girls shower, fight scene.

Fun Fact: Linda Blair was nominated for Worst Actress at the Razzies in 1986 for this performance.

The Amazing Spider-Man

What can you say about a 1970's TV series about a fella in blue and red pyjamas?

Plot: Peter Parker (Nicholas Hammond) gets bitten by a radioactive spider and becomes Spider-Man. At some point, he becomes amazing. In this made for TV adaptation (the first of the TV episodes-two seasons), Spidy fights ninjas and confronts a demented and diabolical criminal Guru who threatens to make a few New Yorkers commit suicide if he doesn't get paid. Sweet.

I was lucky enough to find a couple of the TV movies a few years back. They sit happily in my closet...collecting dust. Fun and ridiculous.

Look out for the 1970's themed music.

Budget: $? Probably all went on the PJs.

Gross: $? TV ratings led to a second season- must have done moderately well.

Fun Fact: The movie and TV series were shot in L.A, despite being set in NY with the studio considering an Incredible Hulk team up.

Mannequin

What teenage boy never dreamed of his own, tailor made woman?!

Plot: In ancient Egypt, Emmy (Kim Cattrall) is betrothed to a dung dealer and rather than marry a man who smells of manure, she prays to the Gods to save her. Her prayers are answers as she is transported through time and reincarnated as a mannequin in an up-scale department store. Meanwhile, the designer (Andrew McCarthy) who created the plastic body Emmy now resides in, becomes obsessed with her. One night, while the pair are alone, Emmy comes to life, startling the designer. The pair strike up a great working relationship, wherein every morning, the ailing stores front is re-imagined and draws more and more people to shop there.

Love, strife, playfulness and a touch of magical romance...what's not to like?

Look out for 'Captain Harris' from Police Academy as a disgruntled security guard and an early turn from James Spader (Stargate).

Budget: $6,000,000

Gross: $42,721,196

Fun Fact: The film was based on Marketing principles, judging casting and storyline via tests with the target demographic-girls. The film also beat Stallone's Over the Top on it's opening weekend.

TerrorVision

Carrying on with the big breasted trash film theme, here we have TerrorVision!

Plot: An over animated father, messing around with his DIY satellite dish, accidentally receives a wayward space transmission which includes a garbage eating monster. Our bozz-eyed alien subsequently eats the majority of his family and his guests (swingers-it is the 80's), leaving the teenage sister, her metal head boyfriend and the pre-teen son- armed with his grandfathers arsenal of weapons, to defend the homestead and save mankind from disaster.

On a separate note, our hero enlists the help of a late night-horror host (similar to Elvira)- Medusa. A trash talking, big bossomed woman with a bad snake wig to help. She fails.

The monster/alien and the poster are the two best things about this film.

Gross: $320,256

Fun Fact: Not good enough to merit a release on DVD, but it is available on NetFlix. If you have a copy of the soundtrack, it is said to be 'slightly valuable'.

Elvira- Mistress of the Dark

Big breasted horror spoof fan makes magic fun and saucy.

Plot: After being sexually harassed in her breast beholden outfit as hostess with the 'mostess' of a horror tv show, Elvira (Cassandra Peterson), quits and as luck would have it, learns she is heiress to her great aunt Morgana's estate. Said estate includes a dusty old house, a load of dusty books and a white poodle. Never the sentimental sort, Elvira is quick to decide to sell the house and upon learning that her equally old great uncle wants said books, is happy to sell them on too. Elvira gets a little bored in the former witch hunting town her inheritance resides in and decides to spice things up, including Flashdance inspired movie nights and cooking raunchy recipes from the old books. The residents revive their old ways and soon, Elvira is on the run. Thankfully, turns out that her aunt had a flair for the occult and she is able to use a few tricks to save her fuller figure. Turns out her uncle is a nasty piece of work though and her dog (Algonquin) is rather familiar (a familiar-ha, get it).

Highly recommended for fans of horror spoofing and teens with a fan of 'spoofing' themselves.

Budget: $7,500,000

Gross: $5,596,267

Fun Fact: Ms Peterson was nominated for Worst Actress at the 1989 Razzies and appeared in Diamonds are Forever! The official sequel, Elvira's Haunted Hills was released in 2002.

Xtro

A 1980's sci-fi set in the countryside and a flat in London, involving re-birthed humans, midget clowns and a randy french woman...enjoy.

Plot: While at their country cottage, a father disappears in a ray of light, leaving his son convinced he has been abducted by aliens. Three years later, mum is shacked up with an american photographer, living with a horny french au pair and struggling to keep her perm in check. Out of the blue, daddy reappears, having first killed a fella on a dark country road and face rapped a random woman in her home. The little boy seems really quite happy to have daddy back, despite his proclivity for eating his pet snakes eggs and seeming to melt phones and his own face. Any who...the kid gets super powers, creates a blank panther and a demented dwarf clown, then does away with the annoying old lady (Anna Wing) that lives below and the rest, well, the rest is all good, clean, family fun.

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: There are Xtro's II and 3 and even a forth in the works. Whoopie I hear you all scream.

Hawk the Slayer

Mystical sword play, with nuns and dwarfs.

Plot: An evil older brother- Voltan (Jack Palance) kills his dad and his younger brother- Hawk (John Terry), vows revenge with the aide of his sword (containing a funky eleven mind-stone in the handle), an elf, a dwarf and a big, burly giant fella. So, Voltan goes on a kill crazy rampage and even kidnaps a nun. It's now up to Hawk and his mates to come up with Voltan's ransom and stop his maniacal misdeeds.

Another fan fave. This adventure might be lacking in production value and well, talent, but it's a joy for fans of dark evil mischief.

Budget: ?

Gross: ?

Fun Fact: Look out for an appearance by Roy (the legend) Kinnear. A sequel- Hawk the Hunter is proposed, but so far, has not appeared. http://hawkthehuntermovie.blogspot.com.br/

Sleepaway Camp

A camp slasher film with a real bite to it.

Plot: Beginning with the accidental motorboat death of their father, two kids- a boy and girl, are sent to live with a relative. This woman is 'tapped' to say the least and insists on sending the lad and his very quiet sister away to camp. During their summer, a series of strange and bizarre deaths occur, beginning with the severe scalding of the paedophile-chef, and varying by technique and victim throughout the season. A real lack of care from the investigating officer and a desire to keep the incidents under wraps from the camp manager, leads to more slashing.  

Bog standard stuff really, but this film has the worst language coming out of junior teenagers mouths I have ever heard. You can easily skip through the film, death to death (some being fairly good), but you must NOT miss the ending!

Budget: $350,000

Gross:$ 11,000,000

Fun Fact: There are two sequels (one starring Bruce Springsteen's daughter), with a forth lacking completion and another one finished, shot as a continuation of the original theme by the original director- Robert Hiltzik.

Class of Nuke 'Em High aka Atomic High School

Few redeeming features in this one, especially where the acting, directing, writing, camera work, music are concerned....

Plot: In the town of Troma, the local high school happens to sit on the doorstep of  a nuclear energy plant. It also happens that said 'plant' is having a few issues with containment. Waste leaks out and contaminates the land around the school. Meanwhile, the 'Cretins' (the bullies) are selling 'nuclear high's' (marijuana grown in nuclear waste) at $10 a pop. This results in a few unexpected dreams, a random mutant pregnancy (which leads to a monster attacking the school) and a touch of superhuman strength. Bullies get beaten up, boyfriends save the day and monsters explode.

All good (subjective), clean (not really), fun (urgh).

Budget: $2,000,000

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Two sequels followed, starring Tromie the radioactive squirrel. Possible remake in the works, along with another Troma Studio fan fav- The Toxic Avenger.

Krull

Yet another of the films that made me the fantasy film lovin' geek I am. Enjoy.

Plot: When the houses of two kingdoms unite through marriage, the evil 'Beast's armies arrive, destroy everyone, steal away the newly betrothed princess and leave the prince- Colwyn for dead. Under the aide of Ynyr the Old One he must find the "Glaive", a mythical boomerang type weapon and then go after the bad guys. Problem being, the 'Beast' has this spaceship that's a black fortress and relocates every day at sunrise. So, to find it, Colwyn has to go to an old black widow type lady with the power of 'sight'. Problem with that being, she lives in a web, guarded by a large spider. There's a cyclops, fast hairy horses that leave fire trails in their wake, Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane.

What more do you need?!

Budget: $45-50,000,000

Gross: $16,519,463

Fun Fact: Some of the scenes were shot in the Canary Islands and Italy. Oddly, a few of the lead characters were dubbed. There was even an Atari game and a Marvel comic.

Willow

Krull, Labyrinth, Legend...Willow.

Plot: Evil Queen imprisons pregnant women 'cos there's this prophecy that says a little girl is gonna kill her. The baby is born in a dungeon, spirited away by the midwife and then, as she's being chased by dogs, she sticks said baby in a raft and lets fate take a turn. Willow (Warwick Davis- a Hobbit-sized fella and trainee magician type) finds the kid and is entrusted to take her back to the land of the big folk. No one wants her though. Then he meets Val Kilmer, who's in a cage by the side of the road and agrees to help Willow if he lets him out. Then these brown fairy types nick her and then there's a big war and Willow does some magic and the day is eventually saved.

Yep. Been a while since I saw it, can't be bothered seeing it again. Never bothered by it the first time around.

Budget: $35,000,000

Gross: $57,269,863

Fun Fact: There was talk of a TV series in 2005 and Davis is still hoping for a film sequel...keep hoping mate.

The Resurrected

This film qualifies as cult for two reasons.

1- It's a H.P.Lovecraft adaptation- The Case of Charles Dexter Ward (always a good idea)
and
2- It's got some awesome gruesome creature effects.

Other than that...it sucked the big one!

Plot: Charles Ward (Chris Sarandon- The Princess Bride) is a rich fella from Providence-Rhode Island and upon the discovery of an old family trunk, he finds out his great, great, great, great, great Grand dad, wasn't his great, great, great, great, great Grand dad. Shame. His actual great (x5) Grand dad was a wizard and he left in said trunk, the key info for resurrecting (get it-it's all in the title) the dead. His wife is a little fraught by his new, odd, obsessive behaviour and as he's buggered off and ain't answering her calls, she brings in a Private Dick to check things out.

The film trundles on at a snails pace for over an hour before we see any gruesomeness, but it's just about worth the wait. My advice? Fast forward and then revel in the underground catacombs and monsters there-in.

Budget: $5,000,000 (not entirely sure where most of this went?)

Gross: $ straight to video.

Fun Fact: Directed by fan favourite, Dan O'Bannon- RIP (The Return of the Living Dead).