Hudson Hawk

One of the biggest flops of Bruce Willis's career (and co-written by the man himself)...not counting Breakfast of Champions and Color of Night, but I still like it.

Plot: Hudson Hawk (Bruce) is a newly released cat-burglar, desperate for a decent cappuccino, who is blackmailed into robbing an auction house and stealing a Leonardo DaVinci horse. This particular robbery, is choreographed to Bruce and partner- Danny Aiello singing the Bing Crosby Classic, Swinging on a Star and by cruel fate, is captured on security camera. Now, the Hudson Hawk must steal a slew of DaVinci stuff from various places, while dodging a minor New York crime family (Frank Stallone), a CIA team- individually code named after candy bars, a crazy husband and wife (Richard E.Grant, Sandra Bernhard)   and even encountering a randy Nun and an equally randy dog.

This film, on the surface sounds ridiculous and quite frankly, it is, but it's also a guilty pleasure to most that see it. I challenge you to watch it and not love it.

Budget: $65,000,000

Gross: $17,218,080

Fun Fact: The film received the Worst Screenplay award at the Razzies. Nice one Bruce.

 

Brainscan

Not long after Edward Furlong (Terminator 2-Judgement Day)became every teenage girls- boy fantasy, he made this...

Plot: A desensitized teen and his best mate are at a loose end. The films they watch at 'Horror Club' just ain't cuttin' it, despite titles like 'Death, Death, Death'. One evening, Ed's besty calls him up and tells him about this advert for a new game, said to blow ya socks off, or something along those lines. So, Ed calls- 1-800-555 FEAR(honestly, this should have been a hint). Shortly after, the game arrives. Ed sits down, presses play and finds himself in the shoes (literally) of a killer- the killer in fact, that has been striking in his own neighbourhood. Initially elated by the experience, Edward changes his mind swiftly, when a locally reported death reeks of similarities to his own voyeuristic escapism.

When Edward calls and says he wants to stop playing, the mysterious voice at the other end of the games company-Brainscan, appears on Ed's TV and swiftly after, pops out in all his demonic styled, red haired, Trickster glory.

What's a teenager to do?

Line of the film: "I don't think erections rape people. People rape people".

Budget: $?

Gross: $4,264,509

Fun Fact: The investigating officer, charged with tracking down the killer is Frank Skeletor Langella himself.

Testament

A 1980's, post-nuclear disaster film, told by a female director-Lynne Littman and chronicling the effects and life after such an experience.

Plot: The days starts as any other in 1980's USA. The family is busy waking, beginning their day, riding their bicycles and generally getting ready for work. The see a mother (Jane Alexander), father, two sons (the first appearance of Lucas Haas-Solarbabies) and a daughter. All is well, until the next day. While the father is at work in San Francisco, the family is watching telly, when a news report breaks through. Nuclear explosions have erupted. Swiftly after, a bright yellow/orange light blasts through the living-room window. The rest of the story shows how a small community tries and fails to band together and make what's left of life live-able, with the cloud of nuclear radiation and death looming.

This film makes no attempt to tackle the elements of these stories that modern film makers do, it ignore violence and homicide as a whole and centres on the hardship and emotional heartache that loss on such a grand scale illicit.

Fun Fact: Early appearances also come from Rebecca De Mornay and Kevin Costner. Jane Alexander was nominated for the Best Actress award at the Oscars for this performance.

Sssssss aka Sssnake aka Hiss of Death

In 1973, Dirk Benedict (not yet of Battlestar Galactica and A-Team fame) underwent a transformation into a snake. Here are the results.

Plot: A not-so-mad scientist, rather an obsessive one, handles snakes for a living and following a need for another graduate student (the last one ending up in a Carnivale Freak Show) as an assistant, he employs Dirk. Dirk begins an affair with the Doctors daughter and undergoes a series of injection, having been advised they are in fact pre-emptive measures to avoid death (as he'll be handling Black Mamba, Rattle Snakes and King Cobras on a regular basis). Turns out, these injections actually go some way to altering the young man's physiology. Whoops.

A pretty fun movie, at least until the reveal, where we actually see a green, reptilian Dirk. The snake shots are great and the King Cobra has real attitude.

Budget: $1,300,000

Fun Fact: The snakes were never defanged prior to shooting and as such, there was a real risk every time they filmed.

Seconds

Directed by The Manchurian Candidate himself- John Frankenheimer, here we have, strictly speaking, a Sci-Fi from the 1960's starring icon Rock Hudson.

Plot: When a 50-something Banker with a dull life (shocker) receives a call from a man claiming to be his University Tennis doubles partner, Arthur Hamilton follows his instructions. He finds himself in the back of a meat truck, on his way to an office, to be confronted with an opportunity. Arthur, if he want's, can die and be reborn. The service offered provides for a replacement corpse, a handsome payout to the widow and a complete resettlement in a new life, with a new face, new history and most importantly, a new future. Arthur agrees and emerges from the lengthy process as Tony Wilson (Rock Hudson). Only Tony, finds it a tad difficult to adjust.

I liked the premise and for the first half of the film you catch yourself thinking, this is great, original and interesting...then it goes a little silly and lacks story. Shame. Worth watching though.

Not-so Fun Fact: Three of the actors in the film were on the Hollywood 'Blacklist' during the 1950's. Several of the shots during surgery (real surgery) were done by the director himself, after the cameraman fainted.

Man from Earth

Written by Sci-Fi supremo, Jerome Bixby (The Twililight Zone, Fantastic Voyage) and nearly 40 years in the making, this film is worth the wait.

Plot: John Oldman, a University professor is leaving his tenured position and taking off. As a result, his good friends from various departments at the University decide to have one last drink with him at his home before he drives off for places unknown. Upon arriving at his home, John begins packing. Possessions loaded into the back of his truck, comments from his friends swiftly begin as to the authenticity of his Van Gogh painting. John swiftly dismisses the suggestion it's real and they move inside the house to break open a bottle of Johnny Walker Green and chat. The topic of discussion; what if a man from the Cro-Magnon era still survived to this day? Inciting interest and curiosity from his fellow thinkers, John plays Devil's Advocate and advises them that he is, in fact, said man.

Discuss...

Brilliant! It's a story told entirely in one setting and reliant, totally, on skilled and talented storytelling. This is something few film makers bother with these days and it's a shame.

Budget: $200,000 (wish they'd spent a little more as the cinematography and sound let it down)

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Bixby actually finished this story on his deathbed...shows how dedicated he was to it. It has also been adapted as a stage play as well. Co-stars Tony Todd (Candyman). I had my photo taken with Mr Todd at the Filmhouse-Edinburgh...not interesting, but I thought I'd share.

Split Second

If you're wondering why this film graces the pages of Cult Filmz UK, well, it's got Rutger Hauer in it...nuff said!

Plot: In the near future (2008- well it was made in 1992), the environment's gone a little squiffy and the water levels in London have risen to the point that the lower ends of the city are a good couple of feet deep. This means, rats. Lots of 'em. Following a rather nasty serial killer (this one rips out its victims hearts and has a nibble), Harley Stone (Ruts- Blade Runner) is a bad ass and he's on the trail of the man that killed his partner. So, he'll need a new one. In comes Detective Dick Durkin (I ain't kiddin'), an Edinburgh University graduate with a belief in the occult. Well, off they go, Ruts eating chocolate, drinking coffee and smoking cigars like they're going out of fashion and Dick, well, Dick's just a bit annoying really.

The monster's pretty cool. Shame the poster gives it all away.

Line of the film: "You really get laid every night?"
                        "Oh Yeah!"

Budget: $7,000,000

Gross: $5,430,822

Fun Fact: this film co-stars Pete Postlethwaite (R.I.P) and Kim Cattrall (Mannequin). It's also got one of the ghosts from Scrooged in it too.

Looker

Michael Crichton (Jurassic Park author) directs. That is rarely a good thing.

Plot: It's the height of TV advertising and a large multi-national corporation has hit upon an idea. Why not use computers to maximise advertising, specifically, why not use them to render the perfect looking people and use them for their campaigns. To procure the best, the corporation must get a little help in the tinkering department, so they send their potential stars to a plastic surgeon (Albert Finney). Mr Finney gets a touch curious though, when his patients (all of whom have very specific lists of their flaws to correct) start to turn up dead. He investigates and discovers that the seemingly harmless corporation (headed by James Coburn)  is in fact utilising a new technology called L.O.O.K.E.R (a light based suggestion device) to con the viewer into buying their stuff. Well, what's an upstanding member of the community like a plastic surgeon to do?

Plot hole; in the version I saw, the director completely fails to rationalise the murders.

Budget: $?

Budget: $?

Fun Fact: The bad guy is credited as Moustache Guy and was in fact Tom Selleck's University room mate.

The White Buffalo

Wild Bill takes on a giant buffalo. Hell, it's either that or Roy Scheider takes on a giant shark. Your choice.

Plot: When Wild Bill Hickock (Charles Bronson- Death Wish) wakes, firing his six-shooters into the bunk-bed above, he knows he has to do something about his nightmares. As it happens, Bill is dreaming about a giant white buffalo that repeatedly charges down upon him in the snowy mountains of the Black Hills. The only thing for Bill to do, is to go a huntin'. Seems however, that Bill has one or two enemies out there, including 'Captain' Custer. Along the way, Bill teams up with a one eyed old man and an Indian with a funny name- Little Worm (not his real name, but I'll not spoil it).

Why our white buffalo is so intent on goring Bill to death is not explained, but you can take enjoyment from the snorting, demented buffalo and his continuous close-ups.

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Look out for the coach driver early on, it's Slim Pickens!

The Lathe of Heaven

Based on the Ursula K. Le Guin novel of the same name, this story is a cult sci-fi with real originality.

Plot: George Orr lives in a near polluted future and suffers from dream anxiety. Having taken an overdose to avoid dreaming, George is legally ordered to report for therapy. After arriving at Dr Haber's office, he lays on the couch and duly explains his reason for being there. Turns out, George's dreams come true. Example; when 17, George dreamed his auntie out of existence. Having listened to George for a couple of sessions, Dr Haber believes his patient and sets about hypnotising him and using his powers for "good". He begins by curing the world of acid rain, then moves onto battle racism, over population, etc.

The problem here being, no good deed goes unpunished.

Budget: $250,000

Gross: Made for TV but one of public televisions most requested films ever.

Fun Fact: A remake was produced in 2002, starring James Caan...the author herself said it sucked.

Vamp

To it's credit this 1986 horror comedy made me confront one of my deepest, darkest fears. Not vampires. Grace Jones, naked except for a Ronald McDonald wig & white-face. Sure it's fine if she does it, but if I do the same in black-face suddenly it's "not appropriate attire for dress-down Friday".........this country, pff....

Plot: Two fraternity pledges try to find some strippers for a big party when they stumble across a nudey bar with a difference. You guessed it, it's run by vampires. Kinda like if From Dusk till Dawn crashed headfirst into Animal House and this abomination was all that remained. You can save yourself the bother of actually watching it if you imagine Chris Makepeace running around 80's-style day-glo lit streets for a full 90 minutes. Furthermore, towns occupied by vampires have the cleanest sewers in the world.

Redeeming features include a kickass little vampire girl and much loved supporting actor Gedde Watanabe ("Dong, where is my automobile?").

Budget: $1,900,000

Gross: $4,940,000

Fun Fact: Director Richard Wenk co-wrote the screenplay for upcoming Expendables 2 (not really a credit in the truest sense of the word)

Review by Callum S

Crawlspace

What would you do if you had a building full of ladies?

Plot: Karl (Klaus Kinski) is a nutter! He's the owner or a apartment building, which he rents out to attractive young ladies. Ok, so there's nothing crazy about that I hear you say- true, but when you have a series of tunnels linking ya attic laboratory to the ventilation in every young ladies room, it gets a little creepy. Klaus is white haired, in his mid sixties, around 5 foot 5 inches tall, a doctor and he also happens to be the son of a Nazi scientist. This does not bode well for our tenants me thinks. One by one, the ladies vanish and various body parts end up in jars of formaldehyde in his lab, to keep his imprisoned, mute lady friend company.

Everything is hunky dory for Klaus, until a meddling Jewish fellow pops by and starts harassing him. Well, what's a crazed Nazi scientist to do???

This is a fun film. Not so much scary (the poster makes it look really screwed up), but you can't help but like Karl, especially when he's putting on his 'lippy' and mascara.

Directed by David Schmoeller (Tourist Trap), with music by Pino Donaggio (Tourist Trap, Piranha, The Howling).

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: This film is so sought after on DVD (since it is now out of print), you have to shell out over $30 on-line to grab it. A bargain from what I saw. A remake is really required!

Supergirl

Duh duh duuuuh duuuh duuuh duuuh duuuuh, du du duuuuh, du du duuuuh duuh d d duuuuh.

Plot: In the Kryptonian community of Argo City (somewhere in trans-dimensional space-not on Krypton), a scientist called Zaltar (Peter Legend O'Toole) shows off a rather powerful thingamybob, the Omegahedron. Turns out, he borrowed it from the city council without them noticing and whoops, wouldn't ya know it, he's only gone and catapulted it out into space. As a result, his little friend Kara (Helen Slater) decides to go get it- as it powers everything on Argo City, it's a mite important. As chance would have it, the Omegahedron lands on Earth. Sadly for the newly empowered Kara aka Supergirl, a maniacal witch named Selena has found it and sets about conquering the world with it.

Supergirl subsequently does battle, loses, gets banished to the Phantom Zone, comes back and eventually saves the day. She also falls in love...arhhhhhh.

The film was directed by Jeannot Szwarc, the fella behind Bugs, Jaws II and Santa Claus: The Movie.

Budget: $35,000,000

Gross: $14,296,438

Fun Fact: Christopher Legend Reeve bowed out of a cameo early on. No reason given, but it's possibly because it was a crap script. Dolly Parton was offered $7,000,000 to star as Selena, but stated that she couldn't be seen as a witch for any amount of money.

Snowbeast

Two things to know about this film; one- if you are trapped in a cabin over night, your make-up will remain fully intact and two- car horns do little to dissuade angry Yeti.

Plot: On the mountains of a ski village in Colorado, there's something a foot (a foot-big foot...ha ha ha). Skiers seem to be vanishing and strangely for a film of this type, it takes very little time for a core group of monster hunters to form a posse. With bloody ski suits appearing on the slopes and body parts residing in abandoned cabins, the village owner, his mate- the former Olympic Ski Champ and his wife, set about hunting after the crazed beast.

Using point of view shots throughout the majority of the film, this story manages to capitalize on its made for TV budget and leaves the beast almost entirely to the viewers imagination, but when we do see some body parts, we are not disappointed. The face is reminiscent of the creature that attacks Luke on Hoth (Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back) and lends some creativity to a genre that often lacks. Steeped in the Bigfoot controversy, Snowbeast is a Yeti film, without the mention of it.

Pretty good all told. Really. It wasn't bad at all.

Budget: $?

Gross: $ TV Release.

Fun Fact: The script was written based on film maker Roger Patterson's encounter and footage of Bigfoot (you know the one, where Bigfoot is striding happily through the forest and accidentally gets on camera).

Heavy Metal

Not content with giving the world Maple Syrup & the suffix "eh", Canada struck gold again with this 1981 cult animated fantasy boobfest from Ivan Reitman & Gerald Potterton.

Plot: Throughout the Galaxy, a mysterious green ball has been floating about, bothering ample chested ladies and being a prick to all that cross its path. When an astronaut decides that the "sum of all evils" is a suitable gift for a small child, the sphere regales the girl with tales of his intergalactic arsehole escapades. What follows is several short stories of space dragons, space boobs, space cocaine and WWII zombies...all set to Journey, Cheap Trick & Black Sabbath.

With the voices of John Candy (Legend, R.I.P), Eugene Levy & Harold Ramis (Ghostbusters), a classic soundtrack and characters that make Russ Meyer seem like a puritan, it's trashy comic book revelry at it's best.

Budget: $9,300,000

Gross: $20,000,000

Fun Facts: Rodger Bumpass is not only the brother-in-law of Ben Stiller, the voice of Spongebob's neighbour Squidward Tentacles, but also has a hilarious name however you look at it. Kudos to you, Bumpass!

review by Callum S (he's secretive don't cha' know)

Tourist Trap

In the south of the US, the tourist trap is a common and popular sight. What isn't quite so common or quite so popular is the demented folk that run 'em.

Plot: A group of early 20's are travelling through Americas' heartland when a puncture ruins the tyre on one of the two cars. Heading up the road to fix it, Woody (awesome name) finds a gas station, in a state of severe disrepair (this is usually the warning). Knocking on the door and then wandering into the back room, Woody is trapped. Mannequins then begin to burst out of the walls and ridicule him (a touch harsh I feel). Well, he dies. The second car then heads up the same road, eventually breaking down too, this time near a wax work museum. The rural fellow that runs it seems awfully pleasant and offers his assistance.

Guess what happens next.

Oddly, this film isn't just ya regular crazy bloke in the backwoods of beyond movie, this one's got telekinetic powers. Enjoy.

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: The composer- Pino Donaggio also did the music for Crawlspace and Pirahna. Author- Stephen King is a fan of the film...takes all sorts right.

The Invisible Maniac

When horny scientists go crazy...they really go crazy.

Plot: All in the title really. A young lad is caught by his Mum, ogling a naked woman from across the street with his telescope instead of studying his science. In comes the therapist. Jump forward 20 years and our horny wee lad is now a fully fledged scientist who has invented an invisibility serum. Sadly, it doesn't work and as his failure is in front of his esteemed colleagues, our guy goes totally nuts and kills a bunch of 'em. Jump again, 6 months- he's on the run from the nut house and teaching summer classes to a group of idiots. However, many of these dumb asses are in fact 1980's hotties (technically the film was made in 1990)...horny invisible scientist meets horny high school girls.

That's it. Not too many redeeming features in this one...other than the obvious ones.

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: The film has silly credits which include, the highest paid person on the set- the fire marshall.

Dr Who and the Daleks

Starring the legend that is Peter Cushing, here we have the first of two outings for the great man as the great alien.

Plot: Dr Who (not an alien, old and his surname is 'Who') has invented a time travel devise, disguised as a a blue Police phone box (no explanation given). Upon the arrival at the door of his grand daughters' boyfriend- Roy Castle, the Doctor, and his two grand daughters (one a very adventurous pre-pubescent girl) give a tour of his new toy. The Doctor is quite open to expressing his new creation and they accidentally initiate its maiden voyage. The crew travel through time and space (less the iconic sound effects of the TV series) and land on a post neutron war world. The planet seems desolate, with the only suggestion of life coming from a metal city, just through the forest. The Doctor et al, being a pleasant, inquisitive bunch, boldly investigate, only to be taken hostage by Daleks (mutants in robot bodies with high pitched voices) and used to lure the remaining peoples of the other side of the war.

Well, what can we say. This film was shot for laughs more than anything else and must be seen as an alternate version of the serial created by Terry Nation. Think of it as fan fiction with a comedic slant.

Not bad, but certainly not good, especially when you see the lava lamp set design and the David Bowie inspired make-up (pre-Bowie though, so who influenced who?-ha ha- who).

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: There was a second film, also starring Cushing- Dr Who- Invasion Earth 2150 AD. Actually slightly better, but not much. A third was intended, but the films faired so poorly at the box office that they decided against it.

   

Dune

Sci-Fi, set between a variety of planets, based on clan/royal houses doing laser battle over spice (not a typo-spice not space).

Plot: Dune aka Arrakis, the planet where the gold of the universe is mined-spice, or officially, the Spice Melange (sounds like a French 3way involving basil and oregano). So, the House Atreides- led by Duke Atreides (Jurgen Prochnow) are given the task of mining the Spice, this is something that miffs the rest of the royalty the worlds over and as such, sabotage, treachery and bloodshed ensue. Turns out, Paul Atreides (The Duke's son- Kyle MacLachlan- Twin Peaks) is the chosen one (or something) and after a touch of murder, he and his ma have ta run/fly away-fast. They end up in the desert (the planet is all desert-so it's the far desert) and are rescued by the aboriginal folks (Fremen-they have really blue eyes). After a bit of chatting and a few ceremonies, ma turns into a witch and Paul takes on the mantle of the bloke that will bring all the peace, joy and shiny happy times back to the Fremen. To do this, they must fight, ride oversized sand worms (think Tremors but lots bigger) and generally kick ass.

This film is huge. Huge in it's scope (given that the authors kid is still writing sequels to the initial novels) and huge in that the story has been through re-editing countless times between film makers and fans alike and has been remade into a lengthy SyFy TV series.

Budget: $40,000,000

Gross: $30,925,690

Fun Fact: The director- David Lynch became so frustrated at the shackles he wore throughout filming, that he removed his name from the final cinema release and replaced it with the name all disgruntled directors place in the credits-Alan Smithee. A waste of time really, any fan knows the back story to this production, but we don't really give a monkeys. Look out for appearances from Patrick Stewart (Picard in Star Trek:  Next Gen), Sean Young (back when she had a career), Sting, Max von Sydow and another Lynch fave- Dean Stockwell (Quantum Leap).

The Thing

One of John Carpenter's best and still (even following the remake) a stand alone gem of a sci-fi invasion/infection film.

Plot: While working at a remote research laboratory in Antarctica (not likely to be local is it), the US team have an abrupt visit from a Norwegian helicopter crew, chasing a poor defenceless mutt. Firing at said pooch, the dog lovers at the US lab fire back. The Norwegians die and an investigation into their random incursion is launched, while the doggy is kennelled with the sled dogs, who seem a mite agitated. Flying to the Norwegian camp (the pilot being MacCready- Kurt 'Carpenter loves my ass' Russell), the US team come across a downed alien spacecraft, buried in the snow, bringing back a buried/frozen corpse for autopsy.
Anyway, long story short, Kurt and his buds discover that not only are the actions of the Norwegians a touch peculiar and the discovery of an alien craft even more so...the mutts are individually attacked and the Norwegian dog has begun to change.

It's up to the US to save the world from alien invasion. Can they do it?

Look out for some excellent creature effects (Stan 'The Man' Winston) and an incredible confrontational scene later on in the film.
Truly a masterpiece of Sci-Fi storytelling!

Budget: $15,000,000

Gross:$ 19,629,760

Fun Fact: The screenplay was written by Burt Lancaster's son- Bill.