Galaxy of Terror

This 1981, Roger Corman produced Sci-Fi has a little of what ya fancy...including the most ridiculously obscene scene possible.

Plot: The Master (leader of the known universe), who has a glowing red head, sends a spaceship and a hand picked team (including Freddy Kruger and Joanie from Happy Days) to a world to rescue a downed spaceship and investigate what happened. The Captain is shell shocked and daring, two members of the crew think they ought to be boss and there's a bald guy that lives and dies by the Crystal (weapons that resemble that boomerang thing from Krull). While wandering around the downed ship, one guy is killed by a two fingered alien thing- the crew don't seem that bothered by his passing and decide to pop along to this giant pyramid thing they've seem and have a look around. That's when it all goes a little weird.

Scene of the film: Giant slug lovin'. (directed by Corman himself and which reveals an ample bossom)


Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: James Cameron (Aliens, Terminator 2) was Production Designer.

Demons

This 1985-Dario Argento horror screenplay, directed by Lamberto Bava lets you know it was made in the 80's right from the get go and does not relent throughout.

Who doesn't want to watch a film about people watching a film, right? Who needs a 4th wall anyway?

Plot: 4 students, a pimp and a blind man walk into a German cinema (but this is no time for gags) and find life starts imitating the movie. The long abandoned theatre and a mysterious mask transforms a prostitute, the audience start to get snuffed out by a deadite- Rick James lookalike and the demons multiply (zombie infection rules apply). All the mayhem culminates in some badass motorbike/samurai swordplay and as with many Argento films, the soundtrack bizarrely ranges from Go West to Motley Crue.

With not only some of the most unique Coca Cola product placement ever, the film also boasts one of the least plausible deus ex machina moments when, lo and behold, a helicopter appears for absolutely no conceivable reason.

Line of the film: "What are you waiting for? STOP THE MOVIE!!"

.....better sense told me I should, but I simply could not.

Budget: $1,800,000

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: As with Phenomena, Dario cast his own daughter Fiore in Demons. Eventually she gave up rolling about in gore to pursue a career as a fashion designer.

review by Callum Stockdale.

Dead Heat

This 1988 buddy cop horror comedy starring Treat Williams (Once upon a time in America) and Joe Piscopo, marked a brief directing career for seasoned editor Mark Goldblatt, ticking all the cliche boxes but with a uniquely gruesome twist.

Plot: Mismatched odd couple crime fighters, Mortis (how clever) and Bigelow (not in fact a gigolo) have the usual problems that 1980's cops must contend with; armed robberies, angry black captains complaining about the D.A. And of course, Zombie criminals (say whaaat?!). Shortly after stumbling upon Vincent price's (The Abominable Dr Phibes) experiments to extend life beyond death, Mortis is killed and resurrected with the power of 80's computers, which, from what films have taught me, can do ANYTHING!! Mortis now has 12 hours before cell degeneration, to exact revenge and get shot more times than fiddy cent (that's 50 Cent to those of you that don't speak 'street').

Compulsive viewing for those with a penchant for Zombie pigs, Zombie Chickens and sweet 'n' sour Hoisin Zombie ducks.

Line of the film: "Sorry to interrupt your erection".

Budget: $5,000,000

Gross: $3,588,626

Fun Fact: Before she abruptly dissolves on a bathroom floor, the film also stars Lindsay Frost, part of the Twin Peaks family combo of Warren, Mark and Scott Frost.

review by Callum Stockdale. 

Lord of Illusions

From the writer of Hellraiser, Candyman, Nightbreed  (also reviewed) and Rawhead Rex (also reviewed), it's safe to assume Clive Barker's 1995 fantasy horror is chocked full of eerie manic gore and nightmarish imagery.

Plot: Scott Bakula plays Sam, a time travelling physicist, hoping his next leap will be the leap ho...hang about, let me start again.

Take two.
Plot: Scott Bakula is Harry D'Amour, a private eye with a knack for matters in the occult. On a routine case of insurance fraud, he becomes caught up in all kinds of black magic jiggery-pokery when cult members plan to resurrect their leader-Nix (Daniel Von Bargen). If ol' Harry's gonna save the lovely Famke Janssen (X-Men) he'll have to face everything from spandex-clad sadists to cultists that need the 'Puritan' more than they need a head of hair.

Few movies cater for fans of holographic brain monsters, Origami flame beasts and dwarf forensic photographers. Why? I simply do not know.

Line of the film: "What are you?"
                        "A man who wanted to become a God...then changed his mind. I'm going to be a rotten  shit from now on."


Budget: $?
Gross $13,249,614

Sad News: We at cultfilmzuk would like to say we are huge fans of the talented Daniel Von Bargen and are saddened to hear of recent developments. We wish for all the help and well wishes in the world for he and his family. God Bless.

review by callum Stockdale.

Plan 9 from Outer Space

Criswell predicts this will suck! For a movie that is considered to be the worst of all time, Ed Wood's 1959 stock footage/b-roll Sci-Fi gets laughs by the barrel load, even if it is due to it's complete ineptitude.

Plot: With the first 8 being so rubbish, smug aliens come to Earth to enact the fiendish-Plan 9! A plot to fly about in bin lids, call Human's thickies and raise the dead to overthrow the world (well, 3 folk, that outta do it). This might, in fact, prove very easy, as all the cops seems prone to scratching themselves with loaded firearms and enjoy shooting sparklers at wobbly UFO's. With Earthlings developing a bomb that makes sunlight explode (huh?! Beg ya pardon!), the alien race send Bela Lugosi, Vampira, Tor Johnson and an un-dead chiropractor to save the universe by stumbling into cardboard tombstones.

With filming errors, characters using actors names and a plethora of screw-ups, this is highly recommended to anyone with a love of good, bad movies. That would be all you readers that keep coming back for more!


Line of the film: "Plan 9? Ah, yes. Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. 
                         Long distance electrodes shot into the Pineal and Pituitary glands of the recently dead".


Budget: $60,000

Gross: $ not very high one guesses.

Fun Facts: All interest in this film should be directed to Tim Burton's biopic-Ed Wood. Such is the scale of trivia involved in Edward D Wood and his production.

review by Callum Stockdale.

Twilight's Last Gleaming

Forgive the title, this film is superb and well worth the 146 minutes running time.

Plot: An Air-Force General-Burt 'Legend' Lancaster and his three companions, one of whom is Rocky's mardy brother-in-law-Burt Young, break out of a US prison (no, it's not an early A-Team) and pop along to the local missile silo and break in. Now, with his finger on the button to all out nuclear war, General Burt has one or two demands of the chap in the Oval Office...things like...the truth about the Vietnam war!

This is a Cold-War treat, if you can say that? Tense and stressful while being enjoyable and superbly acted in places. Monologues like these you don't hear in films enough.

Line of the film: "...you are some mutherfucker!"

Budget: $6,200,000

Fun Fact: Look out for the live action Pig from Toy Story...look hard.

Creepshow

The first of three Creepy films and a TV show-Tales form the Darkside, the first hails a stellar performance from Leslie 'Drebin' Nielsen and a few unexpected appearances.

Plot: Creepshow is a homage to the ghoulish tales of the comic book 1950's, with corpses rising thick and fast wherever you care to look. From a reanimated daddy with a cake fetish to an early version of The Vanishing with Ted Danson this time and even an appearance from Stephen King himself, as a dumb 'hick' who becomes over-run with plant life from outer space.


Creepshow has merit in a variety of ways, mainly that it was directed by Zombie lover George A. Romero and even had gore effects guru Tom Savini.

Budget: $8,000,000

Gross: $21,028,755

Fun Fact: The little boy at the beginning who gets slapped is Stephen Kings son, Joe (Joe Hill as he's known).
A remake is currently in production...possibly in 3D! Sweet.

Clue

This 1985 murder mystery comedy, brings together a group of the best comedic actors around to find out...Who dun' it?!

Plot: The men and women of the board game Clue (Cluedo for the British readers) are brought together by suspicious note to a large and Gothic house, in the middle of nowhere, on a dark and stormy night. They are greeted by Tim Curry- the butler who, by his own admission, buttles. They all sit down for tea and throughout the course of the evening are not only confronted with the misdeeds they have committed and are subsequently being blackmailed for, but bear witness to a string of murders, ranging from the throttling of the 'rather chesty' Yvette-the maid, to the repetitious death of the mysterious, Mr Boddy. The film takes the form of a comic farce, with cast members rattling through dialogue and rooms like there's an abundance of both, which there is.

Gross: $14,643,997

Line of the film: "It's you and me, Honeybunch!"

Watch out for the other board game references that come from the 'mad scientist' himself-Christopher Lloyd-Professor Plum (Back to the Future).

Fun Fact: Princess Leah (Carrie Fisher) was scheduled to play Miss Scarlett, but she bowed out and went to rehab instead. The set was eventually purchased by Dynasty.

Them!

Gordon Douglas's 1954 giant creature feature is without doubt a legend of the drive-in and sparked the interest of Cold War era movie goers in atomic super nasties. Eight Legged Freaks, James Cameron's Aliens and everything in between owe a debt to this black & white classic.

Plot: Two New Mexico cops on the beat become suspicious when a trailer and a general store are destroyed by the mandibles of a mysterious sugar thief (that's a "914" in police lingo folks). When the daddy/daughter bug experts of Edmund Gwenn (Miracle of 34th Street) and Joan Weldon discover the threat comes from huge radioactive ants that sound like rusty bicycles, it falls on James Whitmore (Planet of the Apes) to clear the underground network of nests with little more than a rocket launcher, flame thrower and a mighty set of eyebrows.

We do however feel the option to create an army of atomic ant-eaters and letting the two sides duke it out was an opportunity sorely missed!

Line of the film: "We may be witnesses to a Biblical prophecy come true..."

Fun Fact: Not only will hawk eyed viewers recognise James "Brooks was here" Whitmore (Shawshank Redemption), but 10 geek points go to whoever spocks, I mean-spots the appearance of a very young Leonard Nimoy.

review by Callum Stockdale.

Howard the Duck

The year was 1986 and little-known George Lucas had been scraping by with writing, directing and producing a number of small scale, dead-end films about archaeology (fictional Time-Team) and fisticuffs in space, or something. Finally, his big beak/break had arrived with the Sci-Fi comedy production that would deliver him from obscurity and define his career.

Plot: Our hero is Howard, an anthropomorphic duck that lives on a planet where his kind are the civilised species (whether this planet contains naked humans, wading through ponds & eating discarded bread, is never explored). When Earth's scientists fire up an experimental extra-dimensional laser, our web-footed friend is sent hurtling through space, to Cleveland and into the arms of Lea Thompson (Back to the Future), a rocker that takes to the idea of bestiality all too quickly (what would Marty McFly think?!). So, it's down to Howard to save the day from the dark Overlords of the universe, one of which takes the form of Jeffrey Jones (Beetlejuice).

Some of the more unsavoury content includes; duck boobs, duck prophylactics and the plight of forced duck labour in the brothel/hot tub industry.

Line of the film: "Hostility is like a psychic boomerang".

Budget: $35,000,000

Gross: $37,962,774

Fun Fact: Howard the Duck is a Marvel Comics character. When the film tanked, LucasFilms was forced to sell off their CGI division. Lucas sold it to his mate, Steve Jobs and it later became the Pixar Animation Studio. The Apple co-founder bought it for $5 mil in '86, Disney bought it for $7.4 BILLION in 2006. Well Duck me!!

review by Callum Stockdale.

American Ninja

Circa 1985, the US film industry was well into it's bad action films. Of course they didn't know they were bad, but we sure as hell did. I give you...American Ninja.

Plot: A young private in this man's army-Michael Dudikoff (bit of a loner type-understandable, as he has amnesia) is driving a convoy truck through some jungle, when he and his army pals are set upon by rebels. Our hero sorts 'em out of course...then the ninja arrive, shooting arrows and throwing sticks. Dudikoff rescues the Colonel's daughter (she was hitchin' a ride home), but still gets into shit with the powers that be. Seems the whole things a scam to rob the army and Dudikoff has to save the day, his rep' and the girl. He also has a supposedly, bad-ass sidekick guy called Curtis Jackson (that's right, token black man-it is the 80's, with a 'stache-the 'stache being more hard core than any of 'em).

The kung-fu sucks, the lead actor barely says a word and the bad guy ninja shoots flames and lasers from his shirt cuffs (yes really).

Budget: $1,000,000 (you can tell-no budget for decent stunts or editing, come to think of it)

Gross: $10,499,694

Tag Line: 'The deadliest art of the Orient, is now in the hands of an American'. (that should strike fear into all of us)

Fun Fact: There are 4 sequels. Dudikoff stars in the second, skips the third and reappears in the forth. No, I didn't watch 'em for ya. You do it! Or don't...yeah, don't. Also stars one of the chicks from Weird Science- Judie Aronson.

Return of the Living Dead

The preoccupation with munching brains has become one of a zombies most defining features and the blame for this falls squarely at the feet of Dan O'Bannon's (Total Recall, Lifeforce- also reviewed) 1985 punk comedy horror.

Plot: In a bid to impress the new kid, the foreman of a medical supply warehouse inadvertently releases toxic zombie gas (from a military container, not a cheeky trump). This awakens the buried occupants of neighbouring Resurrection Cemetery (call a graveyard that and you're asking for trouble-especially in the 80's) and the indestructible zombies go about terrorizing a gang of punks and chowing down on brains (to be pronounced-bbbrrrraaaiiinnnzzzzz!!!) by using cop car radios like ordering law enforcement take-away. The naked tombstone dancing of B-movie nudist Linnea Quigley (Silent Night, Deadly Night- also reviewed) lives on in the minds of fans to this day.

Can't be missed if you're an aficionado of DIY cremation, zombie butterflies and seeing how far into a film you can get before realising it is NOT based on a true story.

Line of the film: "Send...More...Paramedics!"

Budget: $4,000,000

Gross: $14,237,000

Fun Fact: Leslie Nielsen (Naked Gun- Legend) was offered the part of Burt, but the film makers decided on Clu Gulanger when Det. Frank Drebin demanded too much cash. Just think what could have been...

review by Callum Stockdale.

2010

2010: The Year We Make Contact is the follow up sequel to the monumental hit that was 2001: A Space Odyssey and filmed in 1984, as is obvious, given the Cold War tensions that litter the film.

Plot: Hal went a touch loco in the first film, so the man that ok'd the original mission-Roy Scheider (Jaws, SeaQuest DSV) decides to pop up and have a butchers at what went wrong. There also happens to be another one of them large black door thingys orbiting IO (Jupiter Moon) and the Ruskies are headed for a peek. Turns out, despite the tensions on Earth, both the U.S.S.R. (that was) and the USA are a little reluctant to go without someone who knows a bit about the door and the nutso computer, so the Yanks hitch a ride with the Ruskies and they all have a picnic...or something.

Decent special effects (CGI in it's first forays), Helen Mirren makes an appearance as the Russian leader and Jon Lithgow (3rd Rock from the Sun, Harry and the Hendersons) has a space fit.

Budget: $28,000,000

Gross: $40,400,657

Fun Fact: Candice Bergen (Gandhi) is the voice of the second computer-SAL 9000.

Phenomena (aka Creepers)

Dario Argento's 1985 supernatural horror sees a very young Jennifer Connelly (Labyrinth) and houseflies (Yep, we said it) form the awesome crime fighting duo we always knew they'd be.

Plot: Jen plays Jennifer (up all night thinkin' that one up, eh Argento!?), the daughter of a movie star who gets shipped off to a Swiss boarding school (Jen, not her dad that is, though I'd imagine many a movie star would happily swap places with Jen), only to learn that she can communicate with insects. She must then use her power of bug-banter to stop a deformed midgit from murdering girls, who, when faced with peril choose to smash their faces through windows (for some reason best known to them).

Word of advise to the squeamish out there, the maggot infested corpse pool is notably puke worthy.

A must watch for fans of inappropriate uses of Iron Maiden/Motorhead, Stannah stair-lifts that do not inspire confidence (other stair-lift movies include Gremlins) and laser guided, razor wielding chimps called Irma.

Budget: $3,800,000

Gross: Yes.

Fun Primate Fact: During filming the final scene, Irma got a touch nippy and bit off half of Jen's finger. Later to be re-attached in hospital, the joy of Jen fanciers the world over. Also appearing- Donald Pleasence (Halloween).

review by Callum Stockdale.

Man with the Screaming Brain

In addition to a co-writing credit, this 2005 sci-fi comedy marks Bruce Campbell's first foray into directing.

Plot: Bruce Campbell plays a mustachioed CEO who travels to post-communist Bulgaria on business, with disgruntled wife in tow. However, Bruce, his wife and an ex-KGB taxi driver are all killed by a beautifully homicidal gypsy who's clearly as mad as a shit-house fly. Scientist Stacey Keach (American History X) and his bumbling assistant-Ted Raimi revive Bruce with bits of left over brain from the cabbie and resurrect his wife with the body of what can only be described as a prostitute robot from the future. The mustachioed one and his co-pilot must now share one body, track down their killer and seek vengeance for their deaths.

As well as containing one of the best falling-down-the-staircase death scenes ever, this movie also answers that ever present existential question...how do two minds, occupying one body decide on what to have at the salad bar?!

Line of the film: "Sounds like there's some shizzle going down there, my nizzle".

Budget: $2,000,000

Fun Fact: Dark Horse Comics published a four issue comic book series based on the film. Groovy!

reviewed by Callum Stockdale.

Horror Express

For the setting, the subject matter (of which it is intensely varied) and the sheer star quality, there is little but the hap-handed segues to disappoint the viewer.

Plot: Christopher Lee (Legend)  discovers the 'missing link' and bungs it's frozen corpse in a wooden box in Peking and boards the Trans-Siberian Express with a host of chinese, mongolian, russian, american and brits abroad (Peter Cushing-Legend), with the express (get it?!) intent to show off his discovery to the world. However...seems our Farmfoods Frozen Man is done napping and fancies a wander through the cabins. Cue the devilish red eyes, the hairy hands (palms too I imagine) and the wanton (ha ha) brain delights.

There is enough variety and interchangeable storyline in this film to transfix even the most fair weather of watchers.

Lines of the film: "Monster??!! But we're British you know!"
                         "What if the monk is innocent?"-
                         "Ahh, we got lots of innocent monks!" (Telly Savalas)


Budget: $300,000 (really! They make it work soooo well though)

Not fun fact: Cushing arrived for filming shortly after the death of his wife and advised the director he was unable to work due to grief. Lee took his mate aside, they had a giggle over the old Hammer days and cracked on. Stiff upper lip don't you know.

Braindead (Dead Alive)

SINGAYA! A film I may have seen no less than two dozen times, possibly due to the fact that Peter Jackson's 1992 zombie horror comedy is widely considered THE goriest movie of all time!

Plot: When Wellington Zoo's newest addition-the Sumatran Rat Monkey, goes literally and figuratively apeshit (ha ha) and bites Lionel's overbearing mother, zombie shenanigans ensue. Lionel stashes the towns un-dead in his cellar in an effort to prevent a further spread of the infection to the 1950's New Zealand population and more importantly, not to screw up his blossoming romance with the lovely Paquita. With the help of a Kung-fu Priest and a lawn mower, our hero runs the gauntlet of everything from killer intestines and a zombie baby to an uncle with urinary problems and a questionable taste in porno's.

If this film has taught me anything, it's that if a person tells fellow party goers that some of his best friends are paedophiles, immediate disembowelment will follow. Huzzah!

Line of the film: "I kick arse...FOR THE LORD!"

Budget: $3,000,000

Gross: $1,870,578

Fun Fact: When the film was available for VHS rental, it came with a complementary vomit bag!

reviewed by Callum Stockdale

Blue Velvet

David Lynch's 1986 mystery scratches the surface of wholesome Americana surrealist fashion-as ever.

Plot: Upon returning to his dream-like home town of Lumbertown, following his fathers near fatal stroke, Jeffrey Beaumont (Kyle MacLachlan-Twin Peaks) becomes embroiled in a murder mystery after finding an ear in a field (Pre-Tyson, this was considered odd). Jeffrey gets caught between the idyllic world of goodie-two-shoes Laura Dern (Jurassic Park), the sadistic, sultry club singer Isabella Rossellini and the bizarre, gas huffing, dry humping (Slutty) Dennis Hopper.

To be considered for your viewing pleasure if you've ever wanted to see a fake looking Robin eating bugs or Quantum Leap's Dean Stockwell (The Dunwich Horror-also reviewed) singing Roy Orbison (without Ziggy though-what a duet that would be).

Budget: $6,000,000

Gross: $8,551,228

Line of the film; "Heineken?! Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!!"

Fun Fact: Molly Breakfast Club Ringwald was originally offered the wholesome role of Sandy-her mum objected.

reviewed by Callum Stockdale

Iron Eagle

I must have seen this film ten times as a kid, I wouldn't take that as a full endorsement, but as a 9 years old kid, it's pretty strong.

Plot: Doug Masters (Jason Gedrick), son of a US Air force fighter pilot receives a rejection from the academy and on the same day hears his father has been shot down by the enemy-Syria. In a hair brained scheme to rescue his pop, Doug enlists the help of a veteran pilot-Charles Chappy Sinclair (Louis Gossett Jnr), together they nick a pair of fully armed F-16 fighter jets and head off to kick bad guy ass- as only the 1980s US film industry can.

Budget: $18,000,000

Gross: $24,159,872

Fun Fact: If you're still in the mood for high altitude combat, there's a few sequels-Iron Eagle II, Iron Eagle III and Iron Eagle On The Attack.