Cool as Ice

Anyone remember this one?
Damn, was this tragic or what?!

All hail the man who was Cool as...Vanilla Ice!

Plot: I guess there should be one. Let´s see if we can un-earth it.

A motorcycle riding, rap group travel from town to town, educating the youth of the day (1991) as to the merits of white-boy rapping, "Dropping zeroes and getting with the heroes" and generally being so cool, they're damn near cold!

Honestly, there's not much more to it.

I saw this "masterpiece" as an impressionable pre-teen and I fear it warped my mind enough that I actually viewed it more than once.

The sad thing is, the director later disowned this, his own film.

Budget: $6,000,000

Gross: $1,193,062

Fun Fact: The father of Mr Ice's love interest is non other than Michael Gross (Burt Gummer from Tremors)! Also, there´s a blink and you miss it appearance by Naomi Campbell. The D.O.P went on to be D.O.P on Schindler's List. Get That!

Sundown: Vampire in Retreat

Think of this as a really comic pre-cursor to True Blood. Not camp, just plain silly.

Plot: When the vampire nation, led by Count Mardulak (David Carradine) realises it's bloodsucking days are numbered, they retreat to a small town in the Western United States- Purgatory. In Purgatory, one might find aged, grey bearded hick brothers, swinging on seats at a Gas Station, Jamaican Police Chiefs and a variety of disenchanted "folk" staring absently at week old hamburgers.

Endeavouring to keep up appearances and produce a synthetic blood substitute, the scientists of the town enlist the help of a human to increase production. Along with said human comes his wife and family. Not long after them, a descendent of the Van Helsing clan (Bruce Cult Campbell) also appears, intent on ridding the world of the count.

Look out for clay-mation bats with grey beards.

Line of the film: "I'm not a young man anymore".

Budget: $2,800,000

Gross: $? A big hit on DVD though.

Fun Fact: Co-stars Deborah Foreman, a cult actress in her own right- April Fool's Day, Lobster Man from Mars, Waxwork, Real Genius, to name but a few.

The Haunting

A horror classic and a cult icon in it's own right.

Plot: Following a string of "accidental" deaths in and around the mansion, Hill House remains under the supervision of married caretakers and under the ownership of a family in Boston. Upon hearing of the house and it's availability, a researcher in the field of the supernatural- Dr John Markway decides to visit the home of the unfortunate first owner- Hugh Crain, but he's not going alone.

Accompanying him are the nephew of the new owner (a sprightly young man with a knack for self preservation), a female psychic and a rather timid girl, who has spent the last decade caring for her terminally ill mother and who had, in her past, experienced something of the paranormal herself.

Making use of a fantastic setting, some deliciously acute angles, superb sound effects and a cast that truly throws itself into the script, The Haunting is a masterpiece in Chill Theatre.

Despite it's dated appearance, the cinematography (making use of an incomplete 30 mm lens from Panavision) and the story, stand proudly among the best of the genre.

This is a film not to be missed and also...not to be watched alone!

Budget: $1,400,000

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Look out for Dr Markway's wife- Miss Moneypenny (a great role for her). A remake with Liam Neeson sucked, in 1999 and a loosely based Red Rose was at first co-written by Steven Spielberg and Stephen King, then finished solo by King.

Frankenhooker

From the man that brought you cult classics Brain Damage and Basket Case- Frank Henenlotter, comes...Frankenhooker!

Plot: It's a fairly simple plot, ok, it's ridiculously simple. A rather demented scientist/electrical engineer finds himself required to do a little creative assembly, following his fiancees accident with a remote controlled lawn mower. Keeping her 'alive'/ usable in a vat of oestrogen solution, Jeffrey Franken realises he needs a few more bits and bobs, as not all the important parts survived the incident. Setting his increasingly dislodged mind to work, Jeffrey employs a variety of attractive prostitutes for a nights work.

Scene of the film; What happens when a hamster smokes super-crack?

Budget: $2,500,000

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Bill Murray is quoted as saying, "If you see one film this year, it should be Frankenhooker".

Night of the Demon

Scary stuff. Well, it was, back in the day and to be honest, it still has the air of suspense and a good deal of creativity.

Plot: A Professor Harrington, investigating a cult leader- Dr Julian Karswell, is brutally savaged to death by a demonic creature in the guise of what appears to be- The Devil. Shortly afterwards, his colleague- Dr Holden and niece- Joanna Harrington both arrive on the same plane from the US. His death sparks an investigation by the pair into Harringtons' untimely passing and the role the mysterious Dr Karswell may have had in his death.

Making use of the Stonehenge phenomenon and intertwining the ideas of seance, runes and hypnosis, Night of the Demon doesn't fall into the trap aged horrors often do. It is not an exercise in hysteria and over acting. It is a well thought out use of science and mythology that seeks to entertain and frighten in equal measure and on most levels succeeds.

Fun Fact: The use of the demon in the film only came about on the insistence of producer Hal. E. Chester, over the objections of the director, writer and star, even leading to the directors claim he'd kill the producer if he saw him again.

The Horror at 37,000 Feet

Not to be mistaken for the classic Twilight Zone episode- Nightmare at 20,000 Feet, as I actually did.

Plot: Boarding a rather weighty aircraft, the passengers of flight 19X include a doctor (Paul Winfield- Star Trek II- Wrath of Khan), a former priest (William Shatner), a western movie star, a druid worshipper, an architect and his wife. Before the flight even takes off, the cabin temperature changes and the plane becomes a freezing. As the flight continues we discover that in the cargo hold, the remnants of an ancestral home, specifically it's sacrificial alter reside and there's something that desperately wants to get out on this, the summer solstice.

Budget: $? Made for the CBS network.

It certainly could have been worse, though Shatner himself sees few ways. His death scene is superb and the not excessive, 73 minute running time is worth the effort.

Fun Fact: Many of the sound effects were borrowed from Forbidden Planet. There are also some excellent 70's flight attendant uniforms.

Long Weekend

One of the earliest eco-horrors- 1978- and one you should really see.

Plot: A rather macho/arrogant bloke (it's Australia so you say 'bloke' instead of 'fella') and his 'sheila' head into the 'bush' to get away from the 'big-smoke' for a long weekend. It's a bank holiday or something. Any-who, off they go, knocking down a Kangeroo seems the first step, later they decide a spot of littering, hunting and general non-eco-friendly action is called for. As the trip continues, the quarrelling couple begin to notice a random crying (linked to the sheila's abortion) and a dead dugong (Manatee type animal) which he kills early on and seems to some how follow them around the beach.

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

You can't say they threw too much cash at this film, but you also can't say you really needed it. Take a good premise, add average actors and decent sound effects and you have the makings of a moody and suspenseful tale.

Fun Fact: A remake was filmed and released in 2008, starring James Jesus Caviezel.

Invaders form Mars

In this 1986, Tobe Hooper (Lifeforce) remake of the 1953 film- Invaders from Mars we are treated to some of the worse child acting possible...sit back and enjoy.

Plot: David Gardener is a space obsessed child, living with his mum and scientist dad in a rural house, near an Army base, that happens to be planning to send a NASA ship to Mars. One night, after a particularly vibrant display of comets, David is convinced that he sees a spaceship land, just over the hill. Upon investigation in the morning, David's dad starts acting a mite strange.

Think Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, less the pods and replaced with neck inserted rods.

The highlight of the film is two-fold, Louise Fletcher performing her bitchy best and a series of Martian creatures that owe a lot to Little Shop of Horrors.

Budget: $7,000,000

Gross: $4,984,663

Fun Fact: Numerous props make appearances throughout the film, including the original child star as the Police Chief. Louise Fletcher was nominated for Worse Supporting Actress at the Razzies for this performance.

Lady Hawke

More sword and sorcery gubbins; here's Rutger Hauer, Matthew Broderick and a rather lovely looking Michelle Pfeiffer circa 1985, Richard Donner style.

Plot: Ruts and Pfeiffer are star crossed lovers who secretly exchange vows. Sadly for them, the Bishop of Aquila fancies her himself and curses the pair. By day, he will be human and she a hawk, by night, she human and he a wolf. The only way to fix said problem is to do away with the bishop on the day of a solar eclipse. To do that, Ruts needs Matt, a thief that knows a secret way into the castle the Bishop lives in.

Look out for a pretty young looking Alfred Molina as a wolf catcher.

Budget: $20,000,000

Gross: $18,432,000

Fun Fact: Kurt Russell had been cast for the Rutger Hauer role, but pulled out early on. The film was nominated for best sound awards at the Oscars.

The Beastmaster

Eagle eyed and smelling like a Panther's armpit, Dar is a hero for man and beast alike.

Plot: When born to a royal family, one might expect a bit of an easy life. Not so, for Dar (Marc Singer). Narrowly escaping a bout of murder, Dar is rescued and raised in a lovely little village and trained in the warriors arts. Having an affinity for the beasts, Dar is perfectly placed to commune with the animals and take vengeance when his adoptive home is destroyed by the very same fella that wanted him dead in the first place- Maax (Rip Torn).

Sometimes I wonder about these screenwriters. Come on, a bad guy, named Maax. Ohhhh, scary!

Budget: $8,000,000

Gross: $14,000,000

Fun Fact: Liked this one? Watch Beastmaster II- Through the Portal of Time and Beastmaster III-The Eye of Braxus.