Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death

Wow, if ever there was a b-movie with an over abundance of one liners and lovely bottoms, this would be said movie.

Plot: A General and a member of the C.I.A approach a feminist professor and demand that she trudge into the deepest, darkest depths of the Avocado belt (the main area for Avocado production- somewhere in the "jungles" of California) and stop the Amazonian-type cannibal women that live there from attacking people who come near their fruit and negotiate the future supply. To do this, our hero- Shannon Tweed (star of various half-naked films), her bimbo-headed- home economics major-student and her one time lover-Bill Maher (US Talk Show host) traverse a cat-fish infested river, destroy a peace loving-emasculated male colony and don leather mini-skirt (Maher doesn't) and endeavour to save the Avocado crop for all Guacamole-loving Americans.

Line of the Film: "I wasn't sure if you had any Feminist Cooking classes?"

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Directed by screenwriter J.F.Lawton- Pretty Woman & Under Siege.

20 Million Miles to Earth

When Ray Harryhausen tells a studio what he wants, he damn well gets it...unless it's colour.

Plot: On their return journey from Venus, a US military spaceship crashes into the ocean, off the coast of Scicilly. Two fishermen rescue a Doctor and the Colonel in charge of the mission. Washing up on the shore, a little boy finds a capsule with a gelatinous blob inside and, coincidentally, sells it to a travelling Zoologist (I'm not making this up). Meanwhile, the Zoologist's Granddaughter (nearly a Doctor) treats the injured men. Due to the difference in the atmosphere, the gelatinous blob hatches and begins to grow, fast. Our creature starkly resembles a later work by Harryhausen- the Kraken from Clash of the Titans. It's fair to say the "monster" is mis-understood, and as a result of a few pre-conceptions by a dog, a farmer and the Italian Police, the poor, confused creature is hounded up hill and down dale, until he/she ends up scaling the Coliseum in Rome.

This all leads us nicely to the final line of the film:

"Why is it always, always so costly for Man to move from the present to the future?"

Very profound.

Budget: $ No idea, but it didn't stretch to the cost of colour, as requested by Harryhausen.

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: The film is a Harryhausen showcase. Designed to take full advantage of the man's talents. It was even written for him and set in Rome, because that's where he was going on holiday. That's star power! PS. one of the actors is actually called Arthur Space.

Star Trek- the original lot

OK, the quick run down, one trek at a time. Will be ongoing and updated, but I shan't be bothering with the Next Gen stuff or beyond.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Plot: Admiral Kirk (William Shatner), bored of his desk job, up and hops on the "new" Enterprise, citing his experience and assumes command of said vessel. The mission; intercept an alien force from an energy cloud that's destroying stuff and on it's way to Earth, oh and grab Spock for a touch of mind-melding en-route. 

Budget: $46,000,000

Gross: $139,000,000

Fun Fact: Directed by Academy Award winner- Robert Wise- The Andromeda Strain.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Plot: Kirk and his pals are off at it again. In this instalment, Kirk takes over the boat (again) as there's an emergency involving an incident from 15 years previous. Seems a deliberately marooned Captain and his buddies are a touch miffed at Kirk and with the aide of a few mind-bending slugs, they set about luring Kirk and pals to their potential doom and a fateful conflict in space. All together now....Khhhhhhhaaaaaaaannnn!

Budget: $11,200,000

Gross: $97,000,000

Fun Fact: Director- Nicholas Meyer had never seen Star Trek prior to filming this successful sequel.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Plot: Picking up straight after The Wrath of Khan (spoiler alert!), the Genesis device has in fact reanimated/regrown/resurrected Spock and following a meeting with Spocks' Pop, it's up to Kirk and a rather confused Dr McCoy to rescue Spock and return his memories from storage, in McCoy's brain. But, there's a few problems and the ever playful Klingons are on the scene and souring for a bit of fisticuffs.

Budget: $16,000,000

Gross: $87,000,000

Fun Fact: Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future I,II & III) plays Kruge, the nefarious Klingon Captain.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Plot: OK, so, it turns out that while Kirk et al have been off rescuing Spock and saving the Galaxy, a rather long, cylindrical, black probe (Rendezvous with Rama anyone?) has turned up on Earth's doorstep and stopped all communications and started to majorly disrupt the worlds oceans. As one of the few ships still off world and functional, Kirk- in a garbled message from fleet command, is instructed to head back to the 20th Century and retrieve the only think that can communicate with the probe- a now extinct, Humpback Whale. 

So off they go, spinning around the sun and back, to the past (check out the Quantum Leapage there).

Budget: $21,000,000 (because there's a whale in it and their agents always charge more)

Gross: $133,000,000

Fun Fact: It was due to Shatner and Nimoy's wage demand that a cheaper TV show came to be- Star Trek: The Next Generation. Thanks for being money grubbing boys. 

This poster is ridiculous...I love it!

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Or, : when Shatner went all Shakespeare.

Plot: Kirk's having a vacation (climbing a mountain in Yosemite National Park) when Spock and his jet boots fly up to have a chat (cos he's bored or something)- Kirk falls and is saved at the last minute. So, on with the story; Kirk et al are sent off to have a chat with a renegade Vulcan who's started convincing folk that he's some sort of messiah and they're all off to find the source of all creation. Turns bad though, in case you couldn't guess.

Budget: $33,000,000

Gross: $63,000,000

Fun Fact: William Shatner directed the film, waking at 4am each day, regardless of his beddy byes time. What a trooper! Sean Connery was originally contracted for the role, but was busy with an 'Indy' film.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

Plot: Following the explosion of the better part of half of the Klingon Moon, the warring nations attempts peaceful negotiations with the United Federation of Planets. Thinking it a good idea, they send Kirk for a chat. Now, anyone who's anyone knows darn well, Kirk no likey Klingons! That being said, he's as cordial as he can be. Unfortunately, the negotiating Klingon is assassinated and while attempting to save his life, McCoy and Kirk are arrested, tried and found guilty of murder. So, off to prison they go. Meanwhile, Captain Spock and his merry men decide to do a little investigation. One thing leads to another, Kirk and McCoy try to escape, get into a fight with a shape-shifting alien- cue the snappy jokes and there's a race against time to stop yet another assassination.

Budget: $27,000,000

Gross: $96,888,996

Fun Fact: Directed by Nicholas Meyer- Time After Time.

Tales from the Crypt- 1972

Not to be mistaken with Tales from the Crypt- Demon Knight.

Plot: Starring Joan Collins and Peter Cushing, Tales from the Crypt is very loosely based on the comic strip of the same name. In this adaptation, we are treated to the tales of a group of people, who wander off on a guided tour of a vault or crypt and wind up confronted by an ageing monk and his visions of their futures.
Ranging from a cheap version of the Monkey's Paw story to a disturbing tale of house invasion my a maniacal Santa Claus, this film does little for the overall genre of horror story telling, but has a few nice turns.

If you are of a playful mood, feel free to type the film title into an image search. You will find a screen shot of a decidedly dastardly/beastly Santa and Miss Collins.

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: The Crypt Keeper- Ralph Richardson was also the Supreme Being in Time Bandits.

The Food of the Gods

Directed by Bert I.Gordon (Empire of the Ants) and utilising back projection to emphasise the creatures, this film follows along the same theme as the afore mentioned and reviewed film, this time using some odd, white gloop instead of Toxic Waste.

Plot: Taking a break from the Professional Football season, three fellas pop off to a random island to enjoy a spot of hunting, horse riding and general malarky...ing. Little do they know, that on said island, the food of the Gods (the white gloop) has been discovered by a farmer and his wife and subsequently fed to their chickens. Cue the biggest Cock you ever saw (Chicken joke). Unfortunately, it's not only the chickens that took advantage of this new found nectar. Wasps and big, f*ck-off rats are on the war path.

It's down to the football "jock", a pregnant couple, the farm owner and a greedy businessman to save themselves and stop this "stuff" eeking out into the world.

Tagline: "One taste is all it takes"

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: The film was "based on a part of an H.G. Wells story".

Empire of the Ants

Ooooh, deary me.

Plot: Based (I imagine fairly loosely on a H.G.Wells story), a land developer (Joan Collins) takes a group of would-be investors to a coastal area of the Florida Everglades, to imagine what their lives might be if they invested in a soon to be constructed resort. The only problem with this ideal life-style, there happen to be a butt-load of giant ants living on the island too. It's not Joan's fault, she didn't know. Turns out, a rather ham-fisted toxic waste dumping scene at the beginning of the film and a trashy docu-style voice over are to blame.

So, on the run, battling (or at least flailing their arms and screaming a lot), Joan and the investors must find safe haven.

Good luck.

There are one or two giant ants, a least, there are one or two giant heads, antennae and legs, but the shaky camera work does everything it can to avoid using actual, real special effects. This film relies heavily on close-ups.

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: In Joan Collin's autobiography, she referenced Empire of the Ants as her worst acting experience. The director was also the screenplay writer, producer and SFX fella. Me thinks he pushed himself a tad too far.

The Abominable Snowman

When searching for a Yeti, there's something to keep in mind...they may not want to be found.

Plot: Peter (Legend) Cushing, his wife and his buddy are visiting scientists, exploring the Himalayan regions and staying with the most Western looking Lama you ever did see, when an American "explorer" and his team happen upon the monastery and seek to involve Mr Cushing in their adventure. Turns out, they're after a big hairy fella, said to live in the wilderness and need the help of a bona fide expert- which Mr Cushing just so happens to be.

Well, despite strong objections from his Mrs and the crazy, Western looking Lama, Mr Cushing and the Yanks head off in search of their prey.

Any who, you can imagine where the story goes from here.

Yes, It's a Hammer Production.

No, it doesn't look cheap. Well, not always.

The cinematography, using the French Pyrenees for the Himalayas was in fact very well shot. The use of Hammerscope (Regalscope- widescreen lens format) gave the landscape the power required for the feature.

Budget: £? (produced by a member of the Barings Bank Family though)

Gross: £?

Fun Fact: The monastery sets were later re-used in the Fu Manchu series of films Hammer produced.