The Bermuda Triangle

Urgh.

Yep, urgh.

The Bermuda Triangle is a mystery with the same fictional and creative potential as the Atlantis mythology, but this particular incarnation fails resoundingly to emote much more than a casual glance.

Plot: A cruise boat, populated by an extended family has decided to take in the calm waters around Bermuda. They know the myths, they know the risks, but instead of erring on the side of caution and quite frankly, buggering off and having a nice holiday somewhere else, these wealthy fools take four kids and a bunch of diving equipment to the most notorious part of any ocean and go for a wander around.

The film lacks in pace, story, character development, acting capability and is dubbed from the original Italian version. In short, this film is a colossal failure.

The best thing about it? It's either the poster (which is immensely misleading) or the little girls doll, which at times comes to life.   

Budget: Pah, can't be much.

Gross: Must have been a giant loss.

Fun Fact: Go to IMDB and read the first review you come to. It is quite clear that this reviewer and myself watched very, very different films, http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0078417/. 

Kingdom of the Spiders

Starring

William Shatner

enough said...

but for those of you that insist on a more comprehensive review, here goes:

Plot: Shatner plays "Rack", a chauvinist veterinarian cowboy, living in the Verde Valley-Arizona. Upon a rather strange investigation, it becomes clear that a cow has been bitten to death...by spiders! To be sure, Shatner sends tests to the "Big Smoke", only for an expert (Tiffany Bolling) to arrive and convince him of the dilemma the town now faces.

You'll be happy to know that in-between battling the spider invasion, Shatner takes some time out to romance the leading lady in the most manly of ways.  

While the premise may be trite, the production values are high and quite frankly, hats off to anyone (kids included) that make a film were creep crawlies are, well, creepy crawling their way all over ya.

Line of the film: "Slick as a gnat's ass".

Budget: $500,000

Gross: $17,000,000 (yep, really)

Not so fun fact: A large number of Tarantula were stomped on and run over for the purposes of the film. I'm not a spider fan per-se, but this seems a little harsh to me. At least Spielberg used rubber spiders in Arachnophobia. Shatner tried to write and direct a sequel in the late 80's, but the Cannon film studio went bust before a script could be written.

Rawhead Rex

Hmmm, the title really doesn't hide anything, this is a proper B-movie and cult too.

By that I mean its low budget, bad/basic story, badly acted and worse shot.

Plot: Three Irish fellas are digging in a field (sounds like a joke, kinda is) trying to remove a sort of stone monolith, two of em' bugger off, leaving the farmer to carry on trying. Eventually it gives way, only for a prosthetic faced demon monster to emerge from the soil and rip into his jugular...and that's the rest of it too. Monster keeps killing, 'til an American father (who happens to be in town researching pagan myths) turns up and chases it around and his wife sorts it all out.

Sadly you never find out why he's called Rawhead and they never call him Rex.

Released in December 1986.

Fun Fact: Based on a Clive Barker story, but I can only imagine he forgot to...er, write much. There is also talk of a remake, after Barker is done with the revamped Hellraisers.

976 EVIL

Oooooooooohhhh, waaaaaaaa. Scary.

Actually, the most scary part of this film is the car-phone in the opening sequence, but it's good for a laugh anyway.

Directed by Freddy Krueger himself- Robert Englund, this 1980's horror bonanza is not lacking in blood, but could do better for a touch more fear.

Plot: Two cousins live door to door. One a rebel with a Harley, the other, a momma's boy in pyjamas with a complex. One bored night, the impoverished rebel dials a number on a flyer, this number is 976 EVIL. You'd think this would be hint enough not to call and the fact it calls itself 'Horrorscope' is a trifle obvious too, but, hey ho, guess the lad ain't too clever. So, he calls, hears an ominous voice and eventually, after numerous bored calls, decides this is enough and quits calling. His cousin, however, doesn't. Seems the voice on the other end has a nefarious plan and gives the downtrodden kid the perfect pointy fingered tools to be rid of the bullies that torment him and his mother.

It's up to a nosey reporter, a school teacher and the other cousin to end the devilish deeds and save the kid...

Budget: $?

Gross: $2,955,917

Fun Fact: There was a sequel, despite the films 0% review on www.rottentomatoes.com- 976 EVIL II- The Astral Factor. Look out for a short appearance by Robert Picardo (Star Trek Voyager).

Cool as Ice

Anyone remember this one?
Damn, was this tragic or what?!

All hail the man who was Cool as...Vanilla Ice!

Plot: I guess there should be one. Let´s see if we can un-earth it.

A motorcycle riding, rap group travel from town to town, educating the youth of the day (1991) as to the merits of white-boy rapping, "Dropping zeroes and getting with the heroes" and generally being so cool, they're damn near cold!

Honestly, there's not much more to it.

I saw this "masterpiece" as an impressionable pre-teen and I fear it warped my mind enough that I actually viewed it more than once.

The sad thing is, the director later disowned this, his own film.

Budget: $6,000,000

Gross: $1,193,062

Fun Fact: The father of Mr Ice's love interest is non other than Michael Gross (Burt Gummer from Tremors)! Also, there´s a blink and you miss it appearance by Naomi Campbell. The D.O.P went on to be D.O.P on Schindler's List. Get That!

Sundown: Vampire in Retreat

Think of this as a really comic pre-cursor to True Blood. Not camp, just plain silly.

Plot: When the vampire nation, led by Count Mardulak (David Carradine) realises it's bloodsucking days are numbered, they retreat to a small town in the Western United States- Purgatory. In Purgatory, one might find aged, grey bearded hick brothers, swinging on seats at a Gas Station, Jamaican Police Chiefs and a variety of disenchanted "folk" staring absently at week old hamburgers.

Endeavouring to keep up appearances and produce a synthetic blood substitute, the scientists of the town enlist the help of a human to increase production. Along with said human comes his wife and family. Not long after them, a descendent of the Van Helsing clan (Bruce Cult Campbell) also appears, intent on ridding the world of the count.

Look out for clay-mation bats with grey beards.

Line of the film: "I'm not a young man anymore".

Budget: $2,800,000

Gross: $? A big hit on DVD though.

Fun Fact: Co-stars Deborah Foreman, a cult actress in her own right- April Fool's Day, Lobster Man from Mars, Waxwork, Real Genius, to name but a few.

The Haunting

A horror classic and a cult icon in it's own right.

Plot: Following a string of "accidental" deaths in and around the mansion, Hill House remains under the supervision of married caretakers and under the ownership of a family in Boston. Upon hearing of the house and it's availability, a researcher in the field of the supernatural- Dr John Markway decides to visit the home of the unfortunate first owner- Hugh Crain, but he's not going alone.

Accompanying him are the nephew of the new owner (a sprightly young man with a knack for self preservation), a female psychic and a rather timid girl, who has spent the last decade caring for her terminally ill mother and who had, in her past, experienced something of the paranormal herself.

Making use of a fantastic setting, some deliciously acute angles, superb sound effects and a cast that truly throws itself into the script, The Haunting is a masterpiece in Chill Theatre.

Despite it's dated appearance, the cinematography (making use of an incomplete 30 mm lens from Panavision) and the story, stand proudly among the best of the genre.

This is a film not to be missed and also...not to be watched alone!

Budget: $1,400,000

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Look out for Dr Markway's wife- Miss Moneypenny (a great role for her). A remake with Liam Neeson sucked, in 1999 and a loosely based Red Rose was at first co-written by Steven Spielberg and Stephen King, then finished solo by King.