Terror Train

Leave a bunch of College seniors on a steam train, unsupervised and loaded with drink and the occasional J...what do you think might happen?

Plot: Freshman year, the pie-delta-wankers are hazing the new guys. This years trick, fool one of 'em into snoggin' a dismembered corpse. Jamie Lee-Curtis plays the voice of the lady in question, luring our unsuspecting virgin to his doom. Well, he flips out and flash forward 3 years, here we are, on a party train, everyone in costume and there's even a magician on board- David Copperfield (yes, really!). Given that this is a horror/slasher film, our 'hazed fresher' is out of the nut-house and on the rampage, much to the surprise of the graduates.

David Copperfield actually does well, playing a Magician however can not be too difficult for a...Magician.

Don't let the poster fool you, at no point does Lizard-Man get funky with a half naked college-girl. For shame!

Budget: $3,500,000

Gross: $8,000,000

Fun Fact: This film was directed by Roger Spottiswoode- The Pursuit of D.B.Cooper and 48 Hrs and even, Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot!

Alien

I know, I know. You've all seen it (a version or every version), or read about it, or heard of it...I don't care, it's awesome and I'm reviewing it!

Plot: So, the crew of a commercial towing ship- the Nostromo, on the outskirts of space is redirected to a dark, stormy planet, following receipt of a beacon signal, in search of a ship that seems to have crash landed. Three of em pop out in their nifty space suits and go have a butchers at it. Inside they find a bunch of big egg things and before they know it, one of em gets some kinda grabby alien stuck to his mush. They give it a whirl at yankin' the sucka (sucker/sucka! Ha ha) off, no dice. Then later on it buggers off and dies. The crewman (John Hurt) seems fine and dandy, until over a meal he erupts from his belly with a toothy, taily creature that subsequently runs off and leaves Mr Hurt (no pun intended), dead.

So, the alien grows, attacks, kills and so forth. It's up to a particularly tough lady by the name of Sigourney Weaver to save the day.

Watch the film. Then watch the second film, then the third. You can ignore the forth if ya like, it's a touch substandard. Then there's those Alien Vs Predator ones...each to their own.

Budget: $11,000,000 (yep, that's it. Looks like it was triple that. Amazing!)

Gross: $104,931,801

Fun Fact: Dan O'Bannon's original script was entitled Memory, then Star Beast. John Hurt almost missed out due to filming obligations, but luckily his prior engagement fell through and he got to erupt with Alien life after all. Relief.

Cheech and Chong's "Up In Smoke"

In 1978 Paramount Pictures released the first in a series of iconic and culturally hysterical films. The first; Up In Smoke. Enjoy.

Plot: So here we have Pedro (Cheech Marin), a vocalist in a non-de-script band who happens upon a wandering 'Man' (Tommy Chong), who happens to have left his rich parents house in a stoner haze, with his broken down Beetle car- complete with Rolls Royce grill and a rather large joint in his possession...and so begins a journey that includes confused cops (Stacy Keach- Escape from L.A.), a relative with flash-backs to the Vietnam war (Tom Skeritt- Top Gun, Alien, Space Camp), punk rock gigging and a van made entirely of marijuana that they happened to pick up in Tijuana after being inextricably deported.

With a brief description live that, how can you not watch and love this film?!

Budget: $?

Gross: $44,364,244

Fun Fact: Random appearances that you will not notice include Ellen Barkin and Harry Dean Stanton. The film was also banned in South America, due to it's believed capability to influence the youth to take up smoking.

Near Dark

This Kathryn Bigelow (Point Break, Strange Days) helmed vampire story is one of the 1980's best contributions to the genre, not least for the stars that went on to epitomise 'cult'.

Plot: Caleb (Adrian Pasdar- Heroes) is a mid-west cowboy who meets a lovely young woman who it seems has a real passion for the nibbling aspect of fore-play. The result, Caleb is on the turn. Rescued from the daylight by a group of hill-billy vamps (Lance Henriksen- Aliens, Bill Paxton- Aliens) in a Winnebago, Caleb must now embrace the night and the killing that goes with it, or suffer the torment of starvation and death. Torn between the day with his family and the night with his new girlfriend (Jenny Wright- The Lawnmower Man), Caleb is pursued by his father and his pre-teen sister.

Shoot-outs, feeding and love...all the elements a good vamp film needs. It just about stands the test of time. There are a few moments when you wish the film was a touch faster and the script had a little more back-story, but over all, it's worth your time.

Budget: $5,000,000

Gross: $3,369,307

Fun Fact: Look out for the James LeGros (Solarbabies) moment- one of the surfer guys from Point Break. Music came from Tangerine Dream- Street Hawk, Firestarter. A remake is on hold because the studio believe Twilight and Near Dark are "too similar"! Me thinks Platinum Dunes film production company saw a different film.

Fantastic Voyage

Fantastic Voyage was one of the quintessential science fiction tales and came to the cinema screens in 1966, thanks to director Richard Fleischer (20,000 Leagues Under the Sea) and a story by Jerome Bixby (The Man From Earth) and it stands the test of time that so many, well written sci-fi's do.

Plot: When the governments of The United States of America and the Soviet Union develop miniaturization technology, it's only a matter (ha ha-matter, get it?!) of time before one or other of them decides to take a leap and nick the other's research. On this occasion, it's the USA (tisk tisk). So, the US helps a Ruskie scientist defect with the advance knowledge of how to extend miniaturization beyond a few hours to indefinitely. Problem being, the fella gets shot on the way out of the Iron Curtain (you'd think with a name like that, he'd be safe from bullets) and ends up with a blood clot. So it's up to a crack crew including Donald Pleasence (Halloween, The Great Escape) and Raquel Welch (One Million Years B.C.) to pop inside his body, find the clot, zap it with a laser and pop back out before the bodies natural defences get annoyed.

What can possibly go wrong?!

Budget: $5,115,000

Gross: $12,000,000

Fun Fact: James Brolin (Amityville Horror) makes an appearance as a technician. Issac Asimov liked the idea so much, that he got permission to rewrite it as a novel and it even came out before the film finished shooting, due to Asimov's quick scribbling and the films slow progress.

Hudson Hawk

One of the biggest flops of Bruce Willis's career (and co-written by the man himself)...not counting Breakfast of Champions and Color of Night, but I still like it.

Plot: Hudson Hawk (Bruce) is a newly released cat-burglar, desperate for a decent cappuccino, who is blackmailed into robbing an auction house and stealing a Leonardo DaVinci horse. This particular robbery, is choreographed to Bruce and partner- Danny Aiello singing the Bing Crosby Classic, Swinging on a Star and by cruel fate, is captured on security camera. Now, the Hudson Hawk must steal a slew of DaVinci stuff from various places, while dodging a minor New York crime family (Frank Stallone), a CIA team- individually code named after candy bars, a crazy husband and wife (Richard E.Grant, Sandra Bernhard)   and even encountering a randy Nun and an equally randy dog.

This film, on the surface sounds ridiculous and quite frankly, it is, but it's also a guilty pleasure to most that see it. I challenge you to watch it and not love it.

Budget: $65,000,000

Gross: $17,218,080

Fun Fact: The film received the Worst Screenplay award at the Razzies. Nice one Bruce.

 

Brainscan

Not long after Edward Furlong (Terminator 2-Judgement Day)became every teenage girls- boy fantasy, he made this...

Plot: A desensitized teen and his best mate are at a loose end. The films they watch at 'Horror Club' just ain't cuttin' it, despite titles like 'Death, Death, Death'. One evening, Ed's besty calls him up and tells him about this advert for a new game, said to blow ya socks off, or something along those lines. So, Ed calls- 1-800-555 FEAR(honestly, this should have been a hint). Shortly after, the game arrives. Ed sits down, presses play and finds himself in the shoes (literally) of a killer- the killer in fact, that has been striking in his own neighbourhood. Initially elated by the experience, Edward changes his mind swiftly, when a locally reported death reeks of similarities to his own voyeuristic escapism.

When Edward calls and says he wants to stop playing, the mysterious voice at the other end of the games company-Brainscan, appears on Ed's TV and swiftly after, pops out in all his demonic styled, red haired, Trickster glory.

What's a teenager to do?

Line of the film: "I don't think erections rape people. People rape people".

Budget: $?

Gross: $4,264,509

Fun Fact: The investigating officer, charged with tracking down the killer is Frank Skeletor Langella himself.