Inseminoid aka Horror Planet

A giant ovarian egg floats through space, explodes and spills its goop all over the place...

Plot: A science crew has landed on a Mars-type planet and begun investigations on a series of underground tunnels. Happening upon a clump of funny coloured crystals (one of the crew accidentally falls on em), the chap goes a touch nuts and dies. Shortly after one of the women has a similar issue and also goes bonkers, this time killing off the crew one by one. Oh, and she's been knocked up somehow by said space goop (has a rather odd dream about a bug-eyed fish creature that artificially inseminates her with a very long glass tube and green liquid).

This isn't a pleasant film, there's sexism (see below), racism (token 'black guy' gets killed off asap) and the expectant mother even gets a kick in the stomach for her trouble (to be fair, she deserved it). There are a pair of crackin' alien babies though, watch out for them!

Line of the film: "I know what I'd like to do to her ass!"

Budget: £1,000,000

Gross: £?

Fun Fact: Filmed in Kent-Chislehurst Caves, starring Stephanie Beacham and partially funded by The Shaw Brothers- Five Deadly Venoms.

The Brain

Now, with a title like that...what do YOU think it's about?!

Plot: A TV doctor runs a show called 'Independent Thinks', disguised as a therapy centre. The good Dr Blakely (David Gale- Re-Animator) is in fact conducting mind control via the air waves and a surprisingly large brain...which only serves to grow if you were to feed it...I dunno...Brainzzzzzz! and the rest of the body too. In a bid to cure a high school student of his disruptive tendencies (hence the disclaimer), the school send him to the centre. Oddly enough, not all can be brain washed and our hero instead suffers hallucinations while trying to put an end to the dastardly scheme.

This film lacked for only a couple of things; no individual stand-out line of dialogue and very little of it was filmed at night- you need a little suspense lighting every now and then.

Gross: $?

Budget: $?

Fun Fact: George Buza (the hero) voices Beast in the X-Men animated series and was an extra in Diary of the Dead.

Street Trash

This must be where the term 'rot-gut' came from.

Plot: A group of homeless men and women purchase and steal bottles of a newly re-discovered drink from the local off license- think meths mixed with bad red wine, called Viper. The result, whoever imbibes the liquid very swiftly begins to melt, leaving nothing but a strange coloured goo and a steaming mess on the side-walk. One homeless man is responsible enough to die in a toilet. While all this is going on, a homeless man that resembles Henry Fonda but ain't, discovers the results of the drink and tries to fix the problem, but there's an irate cop that can't read and a demented Vietnam veteran with a human bone dagger also knocking around. Interested? I thought you might be...

Moral of the story- don't pee on a mentally handicapped Vietnam Vet, you're liable to loose something very close to you.

Line of the film: "Why don't you pull down your pants so we can all see the lily white of your Haitian black ass!"

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Director Bryan Singer worked on this production as a grip.

Radioactive Dreams

Plot: Philip and Marlowe (Michael Dudikoff- American Ninja) are 20 year old private eyes who, following THE nuclear event-wherein every nuke in the world but one was fired, decide to leave the safety of their fallout shelter (having lived there between the ages of 6-20) and go searching for the men/fathers that left them in the bunker. Surviving on pulp detective novels and 1940's swing music, the brothers set out into the post-apocalyptic future, where lady bikers with bright red hair ride the highways, where mutants with big boils hunt attractive girls through wasteland, where 1970's Disco midgets brandish weapons and giant mutant dogs appear from nowhere and eat folk. Turns out, the lads have the keys to activate the only remaining nuclear silo and somehow, everyone knows it.

It's fair to say that this film makes little to no sense throughout, but that's irrelevant. There's explosions (a la 1980's), punk/glam rockers (one looks like Colin Firth), musical inserts where the singer belts it out to camera and at one point you even get some lizard-man action.

Line of the film: "Something queer happened to land us in this hole!"

Budget: $?

Gross: $220,038

Fun Fact: Director Albert Pyun went on to make Cyborg, with JCVD and Captain America!

Repo Man

The poster makes this oddity of film making sound incredible...and it is.

Plot: Emilio Estevez (Young Guns) is Otto, a suburban punk who really doesn't give a shit. Having just been relieved of his supermarket job, Otto is at a loose end, when Harry Dean Stanton (Paris, Texas, The Care Bears Movie) shows up, gives him the keys to a car and a promise of $25 if he drives it back with him. That'd be fine, except Otto just accidentally repo'd his first car, to the annoyance of the gentleman trying to throttle him as he drives off. Otto keeps the job and sets out with his mentor and endeavours to follow the repo-code. Now, here's where the film changes- there's an alien in a stolen car boot (who vaporises anyone one who has a look inside), a team of sun-glassed FEDs knocking about, a lady with a metal hand and another team of repo-men!

Who will find the car? Who will receive the $20,000 bounty? Who will explain why the food and drinks all say- 'food', 'drink'?

Line of the film: "What about our relationship?!"
                        "Huh?...F*ck youuuuu"

Budget: $1,500,000

Gross: $3,750,080

Fun Fact: The other repo men are all named after beers. There was also talk of a sequel- Repo Chick.

Faust: Love of the Damned

What the ham & eggs did I just watch? This 2000 movie from HP Lovecraft veteran Brian Yuzna can only be described as a superhero snuff film with half of the cast of Holby City. As yet, we don't have a dedicated section for this genre on CultFilmzUK.

Plot: Mark Frost (countless British police/hospital soaps) wakes up in his art studio with a dead girlfriend and a temperamental American accent. When he is approached by a mysterious figure, he is offered the power of 'The Beast', as long as he takes out apeshit vengence on his bird's murderers, Wolverine-style (*snick snick*). On the run from living legend Jeffrey Combs (Reanimator, The Frighteners), Frosty seeks help in controlling his demon side from a therapist who believes playing Sepultura to the mentally fragile is the best course of action.

If nothing else, watch for tips on search engine optimisation for your super secret demonic groups web page.

Budget: €3,000,000

Gross: €746,187

Fun Fact: One of the films policemen is played by voice dubbing actor Miguel Angel Jenner who, in Spain, is the voice of Samuel L Jackson.

review by Callum Stockdale.

Blood Sisters AKA Slash

This film has two redeeming features. That's at least one more than I usually look for.

Plot: A boy (around 6 yrs old) is the brunt of a name calling attack by a little girl. As such, said boy runs to his family home, which also happens to be a bordello. The ladies of the house entertain 'gentlemen' on a regular basis and given the lack of attention and support the young lad receives, he flips. Two of the ladies are gunned down and we skip 13 years into the future where a college soroity are hosting their annual 'Hell Night' in the house. The lads from a neighbouring house set up a series of props to scare the impressionable (and given the genre-often naked) girls. However, turns out hooker ghosts still haunt the halls and a fella in drag (kinda Michael Myers meets Norman Bates) is on a girlie killing spree.

Watch out for the falling-down-the-stairs scene. Not to be missed!

Line of the film: "You promised not to hurt me. Why?!"
                        "I'm Crazy!"

Budget: $ not likely.

Gross: $ equally unlikely.


Fun Fact: Directed by the most prolific of female exploitation film makers, Roberta Findlay. Check out others in her back catalogue which include Snuff and The Ultimate Degenerate.