He-Man & She-Ra in The Secret of the Sword

If you ever wanted a disturbing visit to the past, I'd recommend this film. If you're looking for 'camp', you can't get much better.

Plot: He-man is sent on a random trip to another world-Etheria, by the Sorceress, in search of some chick that he has never heard of, with no explanation. He-Man, being He-Man says yes and pops through a magical portal with his faithful pussy cat- Cringer aka Battle-Cat. There he meets an evil force called the Horde, commanded by Hordak- a badass fella that transforms into a penis shaped missile. He-Man's mission is to find a worthy woman to wield the same sword as him, except this one has a jewel in the hilt and as a happy by-product, save the planet from the nasty man and his gang. 

Line of the Film: "Let's cross swords" (I promise you, I'm not kidding).

Budget: $2,000,000 (I couldn't believe it either)

Gross: $6,500,000

Fun Fact: The script was described as 'complicated but highly predictable', if that's not a recommendation, what is?

The Manhattan Project

The Manhattan Project is a true 80's film. It ticks nearly all of the boxes for a cult film, except the iconic/or just plain bad sound track.

Plot: A young genius (Christopher Collet- Prayer of the Rollerboys) who entertains himself with exploding desk drawers, discovers that a secret government building, dedicated to Plutonium enrichment has opened up nearby his quiet, idyllic, suburban home and to make matter worse, the lead scientist (John Legend Lithgow) wants to date his Mum. Anyway, he tells the chick he's interested in (Cynthia Nixon- Sex and the City) and in a bid to bond and find themselves some teenage romance, they decide to break into the laboratory, steal some Plutonium and make their own Nuke-just to show it could be done, you understand. Well, a trip to a science fair in New York, a mad dash escape from the Feds and the obvious finale follow. 

All told, it's pretty good. The production standards are high, the acting is more than passable (Lithgow never disappoints) and it left me surprised and happy that even now, having seen so many 80's "cult" films, I can still discover and enjoy a little gem.

Budget: $18,000,000

Gross: $3,900,000 (bit of a loss)

Fun Fact: Robert Sean leonard appears as a very young teen (House). The film was inspired by a University student who, using widely available information, designed a Nuclear device for his term paper.

Brewster's Millions

Starring a comedy pairing that today might cost the bulk of the budget, Richard Pryor and John Candy play off each other...shame they don't play a little better though.

Plot: A down and out, second rate baseball player is surprised, to say the least, when informed that not only is he the last living heir to a fortune, but, if he manages to spend it completely, without amassing any possessions, then, he will come into the real fortune- $300,000,000! The catch? He can't tell anyone, even his best friend. The problem is, it isn't as easy as it might sound to spend $30 million.

It could've been so much better. I guess Aliens writer/producer- Walter Hill just doesn't have the comic timing the film required.

Budget: £20,000,000

Gross: $45,833,132

Fun Fact: Look out for a small appearance by Ghostbusters supporting actor- Rick Moranis.

Miracle Mile

When Goose (Top Gun) meets the woman of his dreams, he'll go far and above to save her.

Plot: Having had a few dates, Anthony Edwards is rather smitten by his new lady and arranges for an evening of dancing, with the promise of some hardcore snoggin' to follow. That is until he accidentally stands her up and while waiting on a snack, is mistakenly called by a missile silo operator, informing him of the coming apocalypse. In an effort to save everyone in the diner and her, he must steal cars, shoot pistols, blow up gas stations and generally go far beyond what your average trombone playing, Jazz enthusiast might, in a regular day.

It ain't great. Don't believe the poster. Surprisingly, this film did attract a fan base, but, unsurprisingly, not a box office great.

The legendary film reviewer- Roger Ebert believed the film to have a sense of "real terror" but, having watched it, I can only assume he meant the acting and not so much the scripting.

Budget: $3,700,000

Gross: $1,145,404

Fun Fact: The film has appearances from Bubba (Forrest Gump), Tasha Yar (Star Trek- Next Generation) and features music from soundtrack supremo's- Tangerine Dream (The Keep, Street Hawk, Near Dark and Legend).

The Video Dead

This is definitely the kind of film a ten year old David would have loved. The poster makes this film look all kinds of awesome...shame really.

Plot: A writer, living somewhere in middle America, out of the blue, receives a wooden box with a TV inside. He puts it in the living room and goes about his business. The TV is not to be ignored however and turns itself on repeatedly, displaying a black and white zombie movie. Some blue lightning later, our writer is dead.
Skip to three months later and the murder house has been sold to a family, sight unseen. The new tenants; a teenage boy and college girl (awaiting their parents arrival for the Middle East) find the TV and all manner of Zombiness ensues.

It's a shame, as I said, because this film lacks story. I mean, it really lacks it. The acting is terrible, the direction is in fact non-existent and the camera work is lazy and unimaginative. There are but a few things that make this film watchable in any way; the Zombie make-up, which is in fact, some of the best for it's day and still looks good now, a washing machine death (spinning legs) and the end of the film where-in the lead actress finds herself holding a dinner party for the undead. Yep. I know.

Budget: $80,000 (most of the budget must have gone on the poster)

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: One of the actors took his role so seriously (that of a zombie) that he would only grunt and growl at other members of the cast once in make-up. That's dedication. The film is now available on Netflix and DVD...sweet.

Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death

Wow, if ever there was a b-movie with an over abundance of one liners and lovely bottoms, this would be said movie.

Plot: A General and a member of the C.I.A approach a feminist professor and demand that she trudge into the deepest, darkest depths of the Avocado belt (the main area for Avocado production- somewhere in the "jungles" of California) and stop the Amazonian-type cannibal women that live there from attacking people who come near their fruit and negotiate the future supply. To do this, our hero- Shannon Tweed (star of various half-naked films), her bimbo-headed- home economics major-student and her one time lover-Bill Maher (US Talk Show host) traverse a cat-fish infested river, destroy a peace loving-emasculated male colony and don leather mini-skirt (Maher doesn't) and endeavour to save the Avocado crop for all Guacamole-loving Americans.

Line of the Film: "I wasn't sure if you had any Feminist Cooking classes?"

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Directed by screenwriter J.F.Lawton- Pretty Woman & Under Siege.

20 Million Miles to Earth

When Ray Harryhausen tells a studio what he wants, he damn well gets it...unless it's colour.

Plot: On their return journey from Venus, a US military spaceship crashes into the ocean, off the coast of Scicilly. Two fishermen rescue a Doctor and the Colonel in charge of the mission. Washing up on the shore, a little boy finds a capsule with a gelatinous blob inside and, coincidentally, sells it to a travelling Zoologist (I'm not making this up). Meanwhile, the Zoologist's Granddaughter (nearly a Doctor) treats the injured men. Due to the difference in the atmosphere, the gelatinous blob hatches and begins to grow, fast. Our creature starkly resembles a later work by Harryhausen- the Kraken from Clash of the Titans. It's fair to say the "monster" is mis-understood, and as a result of a few pre-conceptions by a dog, a farmer and the Italian Police, the poor, confused creature is hounded up hill and down dale, until he/she ends up scaling the Coliseum in Rome.

This all leads us nicely to the final line of the film:

"Why is it always, always so costly for Man to move from the present to the future?"

Very profound.

Budget: $ No idea, but it didn't stretch to the cost of colour, as requested by Harryhausen.

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: The film is a Harryhausen showcase. Designed to take full advantage of the man's talents. It was even written for him and set in Rome, because that's where he was going on holiday. That's star power! PS. one of the actors is actually called Arthur Space.

Star Trek- the original lot

OK, the quick run down, one trek at a time. Will be ongoing and updated, but I shan't be bothering with the Next Gen stuff or beyond.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Plot: Admiral Kirk (William Shatner), bored of his desk job, up and hops on the "new" Enterprise, citing his experience and assumes command of said vessel. The mission; intercept an alien force from an energy cloud that's destroying stuff and on it's way to Earth, oh and grab Spock for a touch of mind-melding en-route. 

Budget: $46,000,000

Gross: $139,000,000

Fun Fact: Directed by Academy Award winner- Robert Wise- The Andromeda Strain.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Plot: Kirk and his pals are off at it again. In this instalment, Kirk takes over the boat (again) as there's an emergency involving an incident from 15 years previous. Seems a deliberately marooned Captain and his buddies are a touch miffed at Kirk and with the aide of a few mind-bending slugs, they set about luring Kirk and pals to their potential doom and a fateful conflict in space. All together now....Khhhhhhhaaaaaaaannnn!

Budget: $11,200,000

Gross: $97,000,000

Fun Fact: Director- Nicholas Meyer had never seen Star Trek prior to filming this successful sequel.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Plot: Picking up straight after The Wrath of Khan (spoiler alert!), the Genesis device has in fact reanimated/regrown/resurrected Spock and following a meeting with Spocks' Pop, it's up to Kirk and a rather confused Dr McCoy to rescue Spock and return his memories from storage, in McCoy's brain. But, there's a few problems and the ever playful Klingons are on the scene and souring for a bit of fisticuffs.

Budget: $16,000,000

Gross: $87,000,000

Fun Fact: Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future I,II & III) plays Kruge, the nefarious Klingon Captain.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Plot: OK, so, it turns out that while Kirk et al have been off rescuing Spock and saving the Galaxy, a rather long, cylindrical, black probe (Rendezvous with Rama anyone?) has turned up on Earth's doorstep and stopped all communications and started to majorly disrupt the worlds oceans. As one of the few ships still off world and functional, Kirk- in a garbled message from fleet command, is instructed to head back to the 20th Century and retrieve the only think that can communicate with the probe- a now extinct, Humpback Whale. 

So off they go, spinning around the sun and back, to the past (check out the Quantum Leapage there).

Budget: $21,000,000 (because there's a whale in it and their agents always charge more)

Gross: $133,000,000

Fun Fact: It was due to Shatner and Nimoy's wage demand that a cheaper TV show came to be- Star Trek: The Next Generation. Thanks for being money grubbing boys. 

This poster is ridiculous...I love it!

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Or, : when Shatner went all Shakespeare.

Plot: Kirk's having a vacation (climbing a mountain in Yosemite National Park) when Spock and his jet boots fly up to have a chat (cos he's bored or something)- Kirk falls and is saved at the last minute. So, on with the story; Kirk et al are sent off to have a chat with a renegade Vulcan who's started convincing folk that he's some sort of messiah and they're all off to find the source of all creation. Turns bad though, in case you couldn't guess.

Budget: $33,000,000

Gross: $63,000,000

Fun Fact: William Shatner directed the film, waking at 4am each day, regardless of his beddy byes time. What a trooper! Sean Connery was originally contracted for the role, but was busy with an 'Indy' film.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

Plot: Following the explosion of the better part of half of the Klingon Moon, the warring nations attempts peaceful negotiations with the United Federation of Planets. Thinking it a good idea, they send Kirk for a chat. Now, anyone who's anyone knows darn well, Kirk no likey Klingons! That being said, he's as cordial as he can be. Unfortunately, the negotiating Klingon is assassinated and while attempting to save his life, McCoy and Kirk are arrested, tried and found guilty of murder. So, off to prison they go. Meanwhile, Captain Spock and his merry men decide to do a little investigation. One thing leads to another, Kirk and McCoy try to escape, get into a fight with a shape-shifting alien- cue the snappy jokes and there's a race against time to stop yet another assassination.

Budget: $27,000,000

Gross: $96,888,996

Fun Fact: Directed by Nicholas Meyer- Time After Time.

Tales from the Crypt- 1972

Not to be mistaken with Tales from the Crypt- Demon Knight.

Plot: Starring Joan Collins and Peter Cushing, Tales from the Crypt is very loosely based on the comic strip of the same name. In this adaptation, we are treated to the tales of a group of people, who wander off on a guided tour of a vault or crypt and wind up confronted by an ageing monk and his visions of their futures.
Ranging from a cheap version of the Monkey's Paw story to a disturbing tale of house invasion my a maniacal Santa Claus, this film does little for the overall genre of horror story telling, but has a few nice turns.

If you are of a playful mood, feel free to type the film title into an image search. You will find a screen shot of a decidedly dastardly/beastly Santa and Miss Collins.

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: The Crypt Keeper- Ralph Richardson was also the Supreme Being in Time Bandits.

The Food of the Gods

Directed by Bert I.Gordon (Empire of the Ants) and utilising back projection to emphasise the creatures, this film follows along the same theme as the afore mentioned and reviewed film, this time using some odd, white gloop instead of Toxic Waste.

Plot: Taking a break from the Professional Football season, three fellas pop off to a random island to enjoy a spot of hunting, horse riding and general malarky...ing. Little do they know, that on said island, the food of the Gods (the white gloop) has been discovered by a farmer and his wife and subsequently fed to their chickens. Cue the biggest Cock you ever saw (Chicken joke). Unfortunately, it's not only the chickens that took advantage of this new found nectar. Wasps and big, f*ck-off rats are on the war path.

It's down to the football "jock", a pregnant couple, the farm owner and a greedy businessman to save themselves and stop this "stuff" eeking out into the world.

Tagline: "One taste is all it takes"

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: The film was "based on a part of an H.G. Wells story".

Empire of the Ants

Ooooh, deary me.

Plot: Based (I imagine fairly loosely on a H.G.Wells story), a land developer (Joan Collins) takes a group of would-be investors to a coastal area of the Florida Everglades, to imagine what their lives might be if they invested in a soon to be constructed resort. The only problem with this ideal life-style, there happen to be a butt-load of giant ants living on the island too. It's not Joan's fault, she didn't know. Turns out, a rather ham-fisted toxic waste dumping scene at the beginning of the film and a trashy docu-style voice over are to blame.

So, on the run, battling (or at least flailing their arms and screaming a lot), Joan and the investors must find safe haven.

Good luck.

There are one or two giant ants, a least, there are one or two giant heads, antennae and legs, but the shaky camera work does everything it can to avoid using actual, real special effects. This film relies heavily on close-ups.

Budget: $?

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: In Joan Collin's autobiography, she referenced Empire of the Ants as her worst acting experience. The director was also the screenplay writer, producer and SFX fella. Me thinks he pushed himself a tad too far.

The Abominable Snowman

When searching for a Yeti, there's something to keep in mind...they may not want to be found.

Plot: Peter (Legend) Cushing, his wife and his buddy are visiting scientists, exploring the Himalayan regions and staying with the most Western looking Lama you ever did see, when an American "explorer" and his team happen upon the monastery and seek to involve Mr Cushing in their adventure. Turns out, they're after a big hairy fella, said to live in the wilderness and need the help of a bona fide expert- which Mr Cushing just so happens to be.

Well, despite strong objections from his Mrs and the crazy, Western looking Lama, Mr Cushing and the Yanks head off in search of their prey.

Any who, you can imagine where the story goes from here.

Yes, It's a Hammer Production.

No, it doesn't look cheap. Well, not always.

The cinematography, using the French Pyrenees for the Himalayas was in fact very well shot. The use of Hammerscope (Regalscope- widescreen lens format) gave the landscape the power required for the feature.

Budget: £? (produced by a member of the Barings Bank Family though)

Gross: £?

Fun Fact: The monastery sets were later re-used in the Fu Manchu series of films Hammer produced.     

But I'm a Cheerleader

What's a girl to do when she's "outed" by her family and friends?

Plot: Megan (Natasha Lyonne) is a pretty, happy and indeed, pretty-happy girl. She's a cheerleader. She has numerous friends. She even has a boyfriend (cue some very slobbery kissing). Then one day, she returns home from school to find her nearest and dearest have convened an intervention. They are convinced she's a homosexual and to that end, something must be done.

Megan is shipped off to a conversion therapy camp. Where she will learn to curb these base desires, to change her outlook and generally, to be more the mummy and daddy's girl everyone seems to want.

Negative reports regarding the stylization of the film, the acting and the often stereotypical portrayals simply serve to embarrass. This is a film that at the very heart of it, is some real emotion and support. The actors, initially seem stunted and lazy, but you need to stick with this one, enjoy the humour, appreciate the performances and laugh at the outright absurdity.

Definitely a film to be watched.

Budget: $1,000,000

Gross: $2,595,216

Fun Fact: Look out for a brilliant turn by RuPaul as an "ex-gay" councillor.

   

The Rats AKA Deadly Eyes

Based loosely on the James Herbert novel of the same name.

Plot: When a batch of contaminated grain is destroyed by a health inspector, the colony of mutated/giant black rats needs a new home. 

That's it. 

Honestly, there's a couple of romantic interludes and Scatman Crothers makes a timely appearance and exit, but really, that's about it. 

The rats are reminiscent of cuddly toys with teeth and the camera work reminds me of bad TV movies the world over. 

Line of the film: "Ain't that a Bitch?!"

Gross: C$1,500,000

Budget: $?

Fun Fact: Dachshunds wearing rat costumes were without doubt, the stars of the show.

Lobster Man from Mars

When you take the time to watch a B-movie homage, you hope for something good, or rather, bad...and that's exactly what you get here, in all it's ridiculous glory.

Plot: the head of a major film studio, J.P.Shelldrake (Tony Legend Curtis) is in a pickle- due to a few outlandish purchases and a couple of ex-wives, seems he forgot to pay the tax-man and needs a tax write off. In steps a young film maker, Stevie Horowitz, with a rather rotten 1950's style b-movie entitled- Lobster Man form Mars. we now enjoy the entirety of this modern masterpiece, inter-cut with Tony Curtis's reactions. Seems the "men" of Mars are running low on oxygen and the only thing to do is to send a man sized lobster and a gorilla to Earth, nick their air and eat a few soft shelled folk along the way. Except, they never counted on a fella with a bad English accent, his bird and his uncle (Patrick Macnee), who, as luck would have it, turns out to be an expert in Mars men and the like.

Cue: flying Mars bats, helmeted Gorillas, ray guns and a pretty confusing appearance form a Private Investigator with a continual narration and trite, but funny lines. 

Line of the film: "The name's Tommy Sledge PI, Pissed indefinitely".

Budget: $980,000

Gross: $?

Fun Fact: Tony Curtis only did the film because he had to make child support payments and the $100,000 they paid him was sorely needed.

The Bermuda Triangle

Urgh.

Yep, urgh.

The Bermuda Triangle is a mystery with the same fictional and creative potential as the Atlantis mythology, but this particular incarnation fails resoundingly to emote much more than a casual glance.

Plot: A cruise boat, populated by an extended family has decided to take in the calm waters around Bermuda. They know the myths, they know the risks, but instead of erring on the side of caution and quite frankly, buggering off and having a nice holiday somewhere else, these wealthy fools take four kids and a bunch of diving equipment to the most notorious part of any ocean and go for a wander around.

The film lacks in pace, story, character development, acting capability and is dubbed from the original Italian version. In short, this film is a colossal failure.

The best thing about it? It's either the poster (which is immensely misleading) or the little girls doll, which at times comes to life.   

Budget: Pah, can't be much.

Gross: Must have been a giant loss.

Fun Fact: Go to IMDB and read the first review you come to. It is quite clear that this reviewer and myself watched very, very different films, http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0078417/. 

Kingdom of the Spiders

Starring

William Shatner

enough said...

but for those of you that insist on a more comprehensive review, here goes:

Plot: Shatner plays "Rack", a chauvinist veterinarian cowboy, living in the Verde Valley-Arizona. Upon a rather strange investigation, it becomes clear that a cow has been bitten to death...by spiders! To be sure, Shatner sends tests to the "Big Smoke", only for an expert (Tiffany Bolling) to arrive and convince him of the dilemma the town now faces.

You'll be happy to know that in-between battling the spider invasion, Shatner takes some time out to romance the leading lady in the most manly of ways.  

While the premise may be trite, the production values are high and quite frankly, hats off to anyone (kids included) that make a film were creep crawlies are, well, creepy crawling their way all over ya.

Line of the film: "Slick as a gnat's ass".

Budget: $500,000

Gross: $17,000,000 (yep, really)

Not so fun fact: A large number of Tarantula were stomped on and run over for the purposes of the film. I'm not a spider fan per-se, but this seems a little harsh to me. At least Spielberg used rubber spiders in Arachnophobia. Shatner tried to write and direct a sequel in the late 80's, but the Cannon film studio went bust before a script could be written.

Rawhead Rex

Hmmm, the title really doesn't hide anything, this is a proper B-movie and cult too.

By that I mean its low budget, bad/basic story, badly acted and worse shot.

Plot: Three Irish fellas are digging in a field (sounds like a joke, kinda is) trying to remove a sort of stone monolith, two of em' bugger off, leaving the farmer to carry on trying. Eventually it gives way, only for a prosthetic faced demon monster to emerge from the soil and rip into his jugular...and that's the rest of it too. Monster keeps killing, 'til an American father (who happens to be in town researching pagan myths) turns up and chases it around and his wife sorts it all out.

Sadly you never find out why he's called Rawhead and they never call him Rex.

Released in December 1986.

Fun Fact: Based on a Clive Barker story, but I can only imagine he forgot to...er, write much. There is also talk of a remake, after Barker is done with the revamped Hellraisers.

976 EVIL

Oooooooooohhhh, waaaaaaaa. Scary.

Actually, the most scary part of this film is the car-phone in the opening sequence, but it's good for a laugh anyway.

Directed by Freddy Krueger himself- Robert Englund, this 1980's horror bonanza is not lacking in blood, but could do better for a touch more fear.

Plot: Two cousins live door to door. One a rebel with a Harley, the other, a momma's boy in pyjamas with a complex. One bored night, the impoverished rebel dials a number on a flyer, this number is 976 EVIL. You'd think this would be hint enough not to call and the fact it calls itself 'Horrorscope' is a trifle obvious too, but, hey ho, guess the lad ain't too clever. So, he calls, hears an ominous voice and eventually, after numerous bored calls, decides this is enough and quits calling. His cousin, however, doesn't. Seems the voice on the other end has a nefarious plan and gives the downtrodden kid the perfect pointy fingered tools to be rid of the bullies that torment him and his mother.

It's up to a nosey reporter, a school teacher and the other cousin to end the devilish deeds and save the kid...

Budget: $?

Gross: $2,955,917

Fun Fact: There was a sequel, despite the films 0% review on www.rottentomatoes.com- 976 EVIL II- The Astral Factor. Look out for a short appearance by Robert Picardo (Star Trek Voyager).

Cool as Ice

Anyone remember this one?
Damn, was this tragic or what?!

All hail the man who was Cool as...Vanilla Ice!

Plot: I guess there should be one. Let´s see if we can un-earth it.

A motorcycle riding, rap group travel from town to town, educating the youth of the day (1991) as to the merits of white-boy rapping, "Dropping zeroes and getting with the heroes" and generally being so cool, they're damn near cold!

Honestly, there's not much more to it.

I saw this "masterpiece" as an impressionable pre-teen and I fear it warped my mind enough that I actually viewed it more than once.

The sad thing is, the director later disowned this, his own film.

Budget: $6,000,000

Gross: $1,193,062

Fun Fact: The father of Mr Ice's love interest is non other than Michael Gross (Burt Gummer from Tremors)! Also, there´s a blink and you miss it appearance by Naomi Campbell. The D.O.P went on to be D.O.P on Schindler's List. Get That!